Tommy swallowed, his long throat bobbing. “I'm going to have one more project before the end of the year.”
He kept throwing me off by not saying what I think he really wanted to. But I wasn't in a rush.
“Oh yeah? What’s it on?”
“Trades. We have to choose one that we think we'd be good at. I'm going to choose electrician.”
I smiled. “I guess you’ll want to talk to your mom then.”
“Actually, I was hoping to surprise her with it. I was gonna ask you if you could help me again, but…” he hesitated. “I haven't figured out what to say to you about what happened yesterday.”
Tommy was looking down at his lap.
I waited.
Finally, he looked up, and when he did, his eyes were wet. “I’m really sorry Sam. I was so pissed yesterday. I was mad at you but not because… It’s not like you did anything wrong. You were trying to help me and I…I don't know what I would've done if I actually hurt you.” He swallowed. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“Leave?” My chest cracked. Tommy was going to be sixteen in two weeks. But right now, I got a glimpse of him at six. Did he really think that would make me leave?
“Tommy, I meant what I said. I’m not leaving. Not as long as?—”
I almost said not as long as his mom would have me. I wanted to tell him I’d be his dad too if he wanted me to be. I wanted it so badly it hurt. But I couldn’t make promises that weren’t just up to me, as much as I was desperate for things to work out with Ellie. I couldn’t do that to him. And I wouldn’t ever want Ellie to think I was somehow leveraging her son to get her to be with me.
I took a breath, trying again.
“Yes, I’m Henry’s biological father, but I want to be there for you too, Tommy. I will be there for you, no matter how things iron out.”
“What if I mess up again?” Tommy pinched his eyes shut. “What if I do something stupid and hurt you or Mom or?—”
“There’s nothing you can do that will make us abandon you, Tommy. Nothing. Whatever your challenges, we’ll work through them together.”
Tommy stood up, and for a minute I thought he was going to storm off. But he didn’t. He stood there long enough that he let out a sound of frustration and said “Can you get up?”
I finally got the hint. The moment I stood up then he threw his arms around me. I didn’t even have time to react before he had abruptly let me go again.
“I’m sorry Sam,” he said, his chin on his chest. “I won’t do it again.”
Then he walked away.
“Hey,” I called after him. “You want to hang out? We could make breakfast?”
“Hell no,” he said without turning around. “I’m going back to bed.”
I threw my head back at that and laughed.
Only twenty minutes after Tommy went back downstairs, Henry stirred on the monitor.
He squealed when he saw me at his door, pulling himself to standing on the side of his crib and doing this twerking dance that always made me laugh.
“Hey buddy,” I whispered.
“Da!” He exclaimed.
I told myself the first time he saidDathat it didn’t mean dad. But right now, I felt like my chest was going to explode with pride as I picked him up.
“Da!”
“Shh!” I laughed. “You’re going to wake Mom!”
