“Have you heard anything?” I eventually ask, but Ciara shakes her head.
“Not yet.”
We both fall silent again, and Ciara reaches for a cracker and delicately nibbles on the edge.
“I hate this,” she mutters. “Just sitting around and waiting. I’ve never felt so useless in my life.”
“You’re being a mother to your children. That’s not being useless.”
“Most of the time, I feel useless at that too. All the twins seem to want to do is cry.”
“It’s just a phase. My sister went through the same one with both of her girls.”
“Really?” Ciara asks, looking hopeful.
“Oh, yeah. I mean, with the teething and the sleep regression, it’s a recipe for disaster. The amount of times Carly would call me up and all three of them would be in floods of tears…” I stare down into my mug. “It feels like a lifetime ago.”
“What helped?”
“Wine and a boatload of chocolate.”
“For her or the kids?”
I huff a laugh. “Mostly just having some company helped. Someone to talk to.”
“I can understand that. I realize you, me, and Riley all living under one roof hasn’t happened under the best of circumstances, but…I’m grateful all the same.”
I keep my eyes downcast so that Ciara can’t see the guilt in my eyes.
“Do you want kids?” she eventually asks.
“Huh?”
“Kids. Do you want them? I mean, you’re so good with all of our lot, especially….” Ciara cuts herself off, but she and I both know she means Scout.
I quickly snatch up a cracker and force it into my mouth just so I have an excuse not to answer.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t pry, but Cormac is just so secretive. I realize he hired you as an assistant, but then he moved you into his house under the guise of being a nanny, and I just thought maybe… Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you’re good together.”
I know she means well, but her words feel more like a catalyst that sends me over the edge. I clamp a hand over my mouth, but it’s too late.
A hysterical sound halfway between a laugh and a sob escapes me.
Ciara looks a little startled. “What is it?”
I bite down on my lower lip to try and contain my sobs, but it’s no use.
“I can’t do this,” I bury my face in my hands.
“Oh, Fiona. Please don’t cry. Scout is going to be fine, trust me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Maybe not, but I know Ronan and Cormac, and I know they will go to the ends of this earth to protect their family, and that includes you too.”
Every word she speaks only makes me cry harder.
How can I continue to take advantage of her kindness when I don’t deserve it?
