I slide down the wall, pressing my forehead to my knees, sobbing without a sound.
I can’t get him out of my head.
I slam my head against the wall, again and again, but he’s still there. How do I gouge him out? His eyes watching me. His hands on my skin. His voice latches in my ears, clawing through my mind. The things he said, the things he made my wretched body feel. How do I tear all of it out of my skull?
I close my eyes, feeling numb and exhausted. My elbows on my knees, my hands against my head, I stay sitting under the hot spray.
Salvario said after he attempted suicide, he lost those bad memories.Will it work if I do the same?
A knock comes at the door.
I swallow a few times to erase the evidence of my crying, then speak. “I’m not done yet.”
“Why are you crying?”
A shiver rakes down my whole body. It’s not the question, it’s the voice.Hunter’s voice.
They have identical voices. How can I think it’s his when Salvario is the one in my room?
I need to do something. Before I tip over. I haven’t lost my mind yet—it’s still intact, still mine—but I’m standing at the edge of it, and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.
My thoughts circle back to the plan. The only way to silence the memories. The only way to escape the curse named Hunter.
“I’m fine,” I say, my voice clearer this time.
I get up from the shower floor and look out through the glass of the shower enclosure. There must be something here that can help me. Salvario did it by cutting his wrist. I need something sharp. My eyes land on the glass toothbrush holder. I step out of the shower cubicle, grab it, empty the toothbrushes and toothpaste, then hurl it at the floor. It shatters into pieces.
“Elowen.” Salvario’s voice comes from the other side of the door.
“I’m fine.”
I pick up a sharp piece.
“Open the door,” he orders, his voice again sounding like Hunter’s.
No. I won’t let him mess with my head like this. He has to go. He has to leave my mind.
“I’m fine,” I say, my voice distant but sure, placing the shard against my wrist.
My whole body shakes, but there isn’t a shred of doubt in my head. I know the consequences. I could die from this, but that doesn’t frighten me. It stopped frightening me a long time ago. I thought that desire for death vanished the moment I realized—no, not realized, decided—that Hunter was Salvario. I was wrong on both counts. Once you accept that you want death, it never leaves you. It may hide, but it comes back with the same force the next opportunity it get.
I walk back into the shower, the shard carving into my flesh.
I feel pain. A lot of it.
But along with it comes a sense of peace. It sinks its teeth into my flesh, wraps its hands around my throat, squeezing slowly as I watch my blood drip onto the floor, mingling with the shower water. Now I don’t wish for memory loss. I wish for the other consequence.
There will be no guilt.
No Hunter.
No Salvario.
No Elowen.
Only peace.
“Elowen, open the door, or I’ll break it down.” His voice comes harder now, furious.
