“I was just thinking about something,” I said.
“Good something?”
My mind supplied Winnie on my kitchen counter with her dress pushed up to her thighs, her mouth parted beneath mine, her hair loose from my hands.
I nearly dropped my laptop bag.
“Complicated something,” I managed.
Sandra laughed softly and touched my arm again. “That’s intriguing.”
“It really isn’t.”
“Well,” she said, “it sounds intriguing.”
“It’s mostly childcare logistics.”
That was possibly the least seductive sentence ever spoken in an office hallway.
Sandra, unfortunately, was undeterred. “Well,” she said, closing the folder at last, “maybe you could explain those logistics to me over dinner sometime.”
There it was. Direct enough that I couldn’t hide behind confusion.
For a second, I just looked at her. She was attractive and available. She was very clearly interested. Years ago, before Jade and the kids, before my life became a sequence of responsibilities stacked so high I could barely see over them, I might have enjoyed this. I might have said yes simply because it was easy and uncomplicated. But nothing in me wanted easy right now. Nothing in me wanted uncomplicated.
I wanted Winnie.
I wanted the woman who wore black in springtime and carried sunscreen in her bag at all times. The woman who made terrible puns and medicinal tea. The woman who knew exactly how to make CJ feel proud of a story, Bianca feel seen in her seriousness, and Billie feel loved without sanding down her wildness.
I wanted the woman who had protected my children from home invaders.
The woman who had kissed me back.
The woman I could not stop thinking about no matter how hard I tried.
Sandra was still waiting.
I forced myself into a polite smile. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
The hopeful lift of her features completely vanished. “Tonight, or…?”
“At all,” I said gently.
A few people moved in the distance near reception. Someone laughed inside an office.
Sandra straightened, embarrassment crossing her face before she smoothed it away. “Oh. Of course. Sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“No, you’re fine,” I said quickly. “I’m flattered. Really. I just…”
I stopped. What was the word for Winnie? Not employee, not anymore, though technically yes. Not girlfriend, because we hadn’t had that conversation and because all of this was tangled in ways I didn’t know how to explain.
“I’m interested in someone,” I said finally.
She blinked, her posture going slightly rigid as she absorbed the rejection, disappointment shifting into understanding. “Lucky lady.”
I fought back a smile. “I think I’m the lucky one.”
She nodded once, then lifted the folder slightly. “I’ll email you my questions.”
