I would not cry in front of my nanny in my own kitchen because I took one work call during a school recital.
“I’m doing my best,” I whispered.
“I know.” Winnie took a step closer. “I know you are. I wouldn’t be speaking to you this way if I thought otherwise.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because doing your best doesn’t mean no harm occurs.”
I glanced at the stairs. The kids were asleep. At least, I desperately hoped they were asleep. “Their mother is gone,” I said. “I can’t fix that.”
“No.”
“I can’t make up for it.”
“No.”
“I can’t be two parents.”
“No,” Winnie said again, softer this time. “And becoming a second absent parent by exhausting yourself won’t heal them either.”
We stared at each other, neither of us blinking.
Finally, Winnie cleared her throat. “It’s not fair or possible for you to be a perfect parent, Conrad.”
I swallowed.
She touched the back of the chair. “But you do need to be a present one.” She put on her gloves and coat, then moved into the foyer.
I should have said something, because she was right and also because I desperately wanted to cut the tension and make things okay with her.
I didn’t.
At the door, she paused only long enough to say, “Goodnight.”
She left without telling me a joke.
Somehow, that was the final blow.
I stood in the kitchen long after the door closed behind her, staring at nothing.
The next morning, I made pancakes.
It wasn’t my strongest skill, but no one died, which was worth noting.
CJ came downstairs first, hair wild, recital fatigue still lingering on his face. A little while later, Bianca followed, her book tucked under her as usual, and Billie thundered in behind her, wearing dinosaur pajamas and an expression of deep suspicion.
“Why does it smell like burnt circles?” Billie asked.
“Pancakes,” I said.
“Are they supposed to smell that way?”
“Sit down.”
Winnie wasn’t there yet. She came later on Saturdays unless we arranged otherwise, and I was grateful for the privacy because I needed to talk to the kids without looking at her and remembering every word she’d said.
I set plates in front of them and remained standing.
