I’m starting to think I might be a terrible human being. At the very least, I inherited more damaging traits from my father than I thought.
Like hurting those who don’t deserve it.
“Didyou sleep with someone else?” Jude asks.
I hate the audible hope in his voice, encouraging a negative answer.
Hate my utter lack of regret even more. Iamterrible, I decide, as I nod.
His face falls.
“I’m sorry,” I say, which feels like a false truth. Or a limited lie.
I am sorry I hurt him. I should have broken up with Jude the same day Lev messaged. I waited longer to end it than I had before. I checked the store’s return policy when I bought this dress. I tried to convince myself I could be the type of person who changed patterns.
But I am not sorry I stayed the same. I don’t regret any part of last night.
“Great. You’re sorry. That’s—that really helps.” Jude clicks his tongue. Shakes his head.
“We broke up,” I remind him because he’s sort of acting like he forgot.
“Two weeks ago! Where did you even meet this guy?” Jude demands.
I sigh. “Nowhere. I—I’ve known him a long time.”
“How long?”
“Twelve years.”
Jude’s open mouth snaps shut, whatever he was planning to say no longer applicable. “You never mentioned a serious ex,” he finally says.
I’m not sure I should have mentioned it just now. I never discuss Lev with anyone. Of all the secrets I keep, he’s the most closely guarded. But Jude is an assistant mathematics professor from Wisconsin who reads books on obscure theorems for fun and spends his spare time strategizing about obtaining tenure. If I shared more details about Lev than how long I’d known him, Jude would certainly think I was kidding.
“I thought it was over.” A total lie this time.
But I can’t sayyou never askedbecause Jude did. He comes from a large, loving family, one I would have happily been welcomed into if I’d made different decisions. Jude never understood why I avoided talking about my parents. He doesn’t know I have three brothers. And he definitely isn’t aware of the reason my family situation is so complicated.
“So, you dated me as—as what? A consolation prize?”
I dated Jude because he was normal. Because it staved off some loneliness. Because going out with the cute, bespectacled academic who came to three performances in a row before asking me to dinner seemed like what Carina Carson would do.
If only I were her for real, not only on forged documents.
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “Goodbye, Jude.”
He doesn’t reply as I pass him and enter my building’s lobby.
I’m living a lie, and relationships are best built around honesty.
But the real reason my love life remains a series of failures?
Is somewhere in this city.
And impossibly far away in every way that matters.
SINK OR SCREAM
Twelve Years Earlier
