She nodded, her tears wetting his skin through the fabric of his shirt. “Vanessa is a wonderful mother. Better than I could ever dream of being. It’s for the best, really.”
“Don’t say that,” he told her, hugging her tightly. “Don’t ever say that. I know you would be an amazing mother.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know,” she said, her voice choked with tears.
He took a deep breath. “There could be other children,” he said, tipping her chin back so he could gaze into her tragic eyes. “Please, Serenity, let me give you another child. I’ll keep you safe this time, I swear it. Give me a chance to make things right.”
“How can you make it right?” she cried, wrenching away from him. “You think we can just replace Gabriel, as though he were an old overcoat? I loved you, Luke! You made love to me and convinced me that I could trust you. But then you left! And I had to go through all that pain and grief by myself! Now, to find out that my child lived, that he’s so close, yet I can never call him my own? I can’t live with that, Luke. I can’t just pretend like I don’t know. I can’t remain friends with Vanessa, not with this jealousy eating me up inside. And that you could even speak of having another child now, when this wound is so fresh, staggers me.”
Too late, he realized how poorly he’d handled this. She was right, he should never have said that; he was just so desperate to fill the empty places inside him. He wanted a child so badly, and he knew that it would be unbearable to watch Gabriel grow up from a distance.
“Please,” he whispered. “Come back. I didn’t mean it that way. I just want to see you happy. I want to be the one who gives you everything you want.”
“I think you should go,” she told him, her voice suddenly sounding so weary, as though she was tired of the very thought of him. “We both need to sleep; we need to try and come to terms with the situation as it is. Tomorrow we can decide where we go from here. I just can’t right now. Not tonight.”
He stared at her for a long moment, trying to think of something, anything, to make her change her mind and let him stay. He wanted to hold her, to fall asleep in her arms, to cry and mourn with her, and then think of a way for them to move on, together. His life did not make sense without her in it. Didn’t she feel the same?
Apparently, she did not. She blamed him for what had happened, and why wouldn’t she? It was his fault. He’d been hesitant to tell her how he truly felt, hesitant to give her the protection of his name, thus leaving her alone and vulnerable to his mother and Roger’s machinations.
Maybe she just needed time. He supposed that was the least of what he owed her.
“All right,” he said slowly. “I’ll go.”
* * *
THE MINUTE LUKE HADleft her room, Serenity sprang from the bed, her thoughts and emotions in a whirl. She’d known that it was best to leave Gabriel with Vanessa and Adrian, but a part of her had wanted Luke to fight for his family. She’d wanted him to take Gabriel from his brother, beg her to be his wife, and spirit them away to Hawkesmere House.
She knew that was irrational and not the best thing for Gabriel, but still, she’d wanted him to at least suggest it. Instead, what he had suggested...
Shaking her head, she began throwing her things in a bag. She couldn’t believe he’d asked her for another baby as if Gabriel meant nothing to him.
Maybe he didn’t. After all, he hadn’t mourned him all these years. He hadn’t even known about him until a few days ago. Of course, it was easy for him to move on.
She could never move on. She would forever be stuck in the moment Roger had told her that her baby was dead.
Picking up the bank book, she stared at the amount, tears blurring the figures. This was his money, so it wasn’t truly the freedom that she’d wanted. But he’d said she could use it to make her own decisions, and she knew the only decision she could possibly make to keep them from tearing each other apart was to leave. She couldn’t stay here, in his house, making love to him, seeing their child being raised by his brother. He still hadn’t asked her to marry him, not that he ever would. She had to face the reality that she was nothing more than his mistress, just as she’d been back then. If he truly loved her, he would have married her and given their child his name.
Instead, he simply wanted to move on and put the past behind him.
She felt a sudden intense longing for the place she’d grown up. He’d said she could go back there, that the cottage was empty.
Her instinct was to simply disappear, but she knew she couldn’t do that again. She had to tell him what she planned, because leaving him searching for her would be cruel. She would always love him. She didn’t want to hurt him. Taking a deep breath, she gathered her wits and sat down to write him a letter.
