“Why not?” Julian shoved off the wall and pulled her unwillingly into his embrace. “It’s only passion. Don’t you remember what it was like to feel passion?”
She remembered far too well. And trapped as she was, utterly surrounded by his lean strength, all she could think about was the rapturous look on Emma’s face.
Oh, how she envied her friend for having the courage to risk her heart.
But as she stared up into Julian’s burning dark eyes, she knew she couldn’t do this. She didn’t have Emma’s courage, or perhaps she just couldn’t imagine ever trusting him again.
“I need some more time,” she whispered, slipping out of his embrace. “If you’re really serious about courting me, you’re going to have to prove you’ve changed.” She couldn’t even believe she was giving him that much, but what she’d just seen had made her realize how desperately lonely she was, how the only time she’d been truly happy was when she was with the man next to her.
He raked his hands through his dark hair in frustration. “What do you want from me? How can I prove such a thing?”
She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. “I don’t know, Julian. I only know I’m not ready to fall into your arms again just yet.”
* * *
“WELL.” AFTER THEY’Dseen the girls off, Julian hid a smile and poured himself and Michael both a stiff drink. “It seems as though your courtship with Miss Marks is proceeding smashingly well.”
Michael accepted the drink, though he shot Julian a fulminating glare over the rim as he drained it. “A gentleman would let the matter rest,” he snapped. “He certainly wouldn’t be sniffing around for more details.”
“Lucky for you, I’m not a gentleman then, isn't it?” Julian leaned forward and refilled Michael’s glass, raising an eyebrow at the speed with which he’d downed it. “Because I can’t let this rest until I’m certain you’ll stop feeling guilty over what happened. Hell, I’m happy to see you’re human. She’s good for you. You know that, don’t you?”
Michael shook his head. “I was starting to think so, but now I’m not so sure. Christ, I can’t think of anything except bedding her.”
Julian laughed.
“It’s not funny. I completely lost control tonight. What if it had been someone other than you and Jane to open that door?”
“Well, it wasn’t, so stop berating yourself. Emma obviously isn’t sorry about what happened, so why should you be?”
“That’s another thing,” Michael admitted. “She’s the most passionate woman I’ve ever known. I fear if she starts straying outside our marriage, I won’t be able to bear it.”
“You love her,” Julian observed soberly.
Michael closed his eyes and scrubbed his hand over his face in dismay. “I certainly didn’t feel this insane protectiveness over Natalia.”
Julian sighed. “Why are you so certain Emma will stray?”
“They all stray,” Michael muttered. “My mother—” He broke off and shook his head. “She was repeatedly unfaithful to my father. In fact, I think that’s why he’s so bitter, so unable to love anyone. Even his own children.”
Julian frowned and tossed back the contents of his glass. “I’m sure the earl was an insufferable bastard long before he met your mother. And you mustn’t judge her too harshly. You haven’t the slightest idea what drove her to take a lover, if she really did. Besides, your parents have absolutely nothing to do with your future bride.”
Michael held out his glass for yet another refill. “I don’t know how everything got so complicated.”
“Such is life.” Julian shrugged philosophically. “You should be in my shoes, my friend. At least you and Emma are starting with a clean slate. I have years of past sins to atone for where Jane is concerned.”
Michael frowned. “You can’t mean to make her your mistress. She’s an innocent. A lady.”
Julian glared at him. “Is it so inconceivable that my intentions for Lady Jane might be honorable?”
“Yes,” Michael answered, his surprise making him uncharacteristically tactless. “You told me just the other day you never intended to marry.”
“I said I never intended to marry someone I didn’t love.” Julian shook his head and strode across the room, turning his back on Michael as he stared out the window. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved Jane. I admit it scared the hell out of me.” He met Michael’s gaze over his shoulder. “So, I walked away. I lost everything because I didn’t have the courage to trust her.”
Michael looked away, unable to meet his gaze.
Julian sighed. “Don’t let your past ruin your future,” he admonished. “That’s hard-won wisdom, so don’t take it lightly.” Then, he turned and strode from the room, leaving Michael alone to ponder his words.
As he headed home, he couldn’t stop remembering the pain in Jane’s voice when she’d told him how he’d hurt her.
