‘He, erm… he needs a bit of space.’
‘What? He’s just had five weeks in Finland. How much more space does he need?’
I didn’t know how to answer that. ‘He wants us to talk to you about it together. Tomorrow maybe?’
‘Talk about what?’
‘Why he isn’t here.’
I knew I was making a mess of this but I was still reeling from the news myself and wasn’t prepared for Maddie’s questions when I didn’t understand what was happening myself.
Maddie stared at me, her expression challenging rather than sympathetic. If I’d been in this situation a couple of years ago,her reaction would have been so different and it broke my heart that the two people I loved the most in the world didn’t feel the same way about me. Tears pooled in my eyes as I held Maddie’s gaze and silently pleaded with her to show some empathy.
‘Oh! Great! Iknewthis was going to happen,’ she cried, her expression hard. ‘You’re splitting up, aren’t you?’
I couldn’t have denied it even if I’d wanted to. It was clearly written all over my face.
‘What did you do to him?’ she demanded.
What didIdo? Why did she automatically assume this was my doing?
‘Nothing!’
‘I’m going to ring him.’
So she got the news over the phone and, even though it was Laurie’s decision to end our marriage and start a new life in Finland without us, it was somehow my fault.You drove him away. You’re a nightmare to live with. You mess everything up.
I’m not sure how I’d have got through the next few weeks without Jude. With Laurie refusing to give any substantive reasons for ending our marriage and Maddie’s ongoing hostilities towards me, I began wondering whether it really was me. Had I driven him away? Was I a nightmare to live with? Jude was the voice of reason, reassuring me that it definitely wasn’t me. It helped that she’d known Laurie as long as I had – the three of us being half of a six-strong friendship group at university – and, as one of Maddie’s godparents, she’d seen her grow up so she knew all three of us really well.
‘When we met, I thought you were the friendliest and most caring person I’d ever known and you still are,’ Jude insisted. ‘It’s definitely not you. Lauriehaschanged, though. He used to be so much fun but now he’s serious all the time. I know our student days were years ago and we’ve been adulting for a longtime, but being a grown up with responsibilities doesn’t mean you have to lose your sense of humour.’
She was right. I couldn’t remember the last time Laurie and I had properly laughed together. His sense of fun and quick wit had been one of the things I’d loved the most about him but, somewhere along the way, they’d faded and I hadn’t realised.
‘As for Maddie, I’m certain it’s just a phase, not helped by who she’s hanging around with at the moment. You didn’t drive Laurie away, Grace. He removed himself from your life and I think it might have happened years ago. I think he gave too much of himself to his job and lost sight of everything else.’
Everything Jude said made perfect sense but it triggered many more questions and feelings of guilt. Had I been that wrapped up in my own life that I hadn’t noticed my husband struggling? Why hadn’t I been aware of the laughter ceasing? When had we stopped communicating? Jude repeatedly told me to stop absorbing the blame but I couldn’t help myself. I was a natural-born fixer – had even built a career around it – but I’d failed to fix whatever had gone wrong in my marriage.
13
PRESENT DAY
Crossing the farmyard at six o’clock the following morning, I spotted a bicycle resting against the wall of one of the barns and smiled to myself. I was finally going to meet Willow and hopefully fill in my information gaps.
The lights were on in the stables and the door to one of the storage rooms was open with some clattering coming from inside.
‘Hello?’ I called, not wanting to scare Willow by creeping up on her. ‘Is that you, Willow?’
A pretty, petite girl with plaited auburn hair appeared in the doorway and smiled at me.
‘Yes. Are you Mrs Coates?’
My heart sank. Mrs? Not anymore.
‘Call me Grace,’ I said, smiling at her. ‘I’m so glad I’ve caught you. We weren’t told what hours you work.’
‘I usually start at six and do about two hours but I only managed an hour from five till six the past two days cos I had something else on. I hope that was okay.’
‘Of course! And that explains why my mam missed you. She moved in on Monday, but I just got here yesterday with my daughter, Maddie.’
