‘I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I didn’t know he’d just turn up. Nanna tried to warn you.’
The calls from Mam! So that’s what they were about.
‘It’s okay. We’re going to the house to talk.’ I squeezed her hand as I passed.
The walk to the farmhouse was a relatively short one but, with Laurie beside me, it felt like it was miles. I couldn’t bring myself to make any small talk.How’s Finland? How’s the new job? Good flight?I just wanted him to say whatever it was he’d come to say and leave. This wasmysanctuary –mymagical home – and I didn’t want him here.
Nova and Skye came running into the kitchen when we arrived and fussed around me but barely acknowledged Laurie. Clemmie sauntered into the kitchen, took one look at him, and ran out again. If I hadn’t been reeling with the shock at him being here, I might have laughed at the diva-like reactions from them all towards a man who’d walked out on them as well as me.
‘Tea?’ I asked, feeling I ought to be polite.
‘Coffee, please.’
Childishly wanting to convey my displeasure at his presence, I noisily set about making the drinks although it was impossible to slam a soft-close cupboard door.
‘Nice place you’ve got here. It’s very you.’
I felt rude not responding but what did he expect me to say? We hadn’t spoken in person or even via the phone since he walked out on me in November and I could feel a ball of anger swirling inside my stomach, gaining momentum, wanting to spew forth with accusations of how much hurt and confusion he’d caused. I didn’t want to be that person so it was better I stayed quiet for now.
‘Your coffee,’ I said, placing a mug on a coaster on the table and indicating for him to sit.
I moved to the other side, not wanting to be too close to him. He didn’t even look at the mug, which disappointed me because I’d chosen it carefully. A Secret Santa gift from work years ago, the caption read:Hurry up and finish your drink then piss off!
‘You look well,’ Laurie said. ‘You’ve caught the sun. The extra freckles always did suit you.’
‘You didn’t fly all the way from Finland to give me a compliment. Why are you here?’
‘Maddie sent me a voice note – or should that be a voice rant?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know anything about it.’
He placed his phone on the table, pressed a couple of buttons and Maddie’s voice filled the kitchen.
‘Hi, Dad, it’s Maddie. That’s your only daughter, in case you need reminding seeing as you haven’t made any effort to get in touch for weeks. We’ve moved. I know you know that cos Mum emailed you to tell you the house had sold. Agood luck in your new homemessage would have been nice. A housewarming gift would have been even better but, you know, whatever… Mad as I am at you for being a completely useless dad recently, I’m raging even more for what you’ve done to Mum. Or should that be what you haven’t done to Mum? Who the hell walks out on their wife – the woman they’ve been with for twenty-seven years – without telling her why? What iswrongwith you? It’s all very well youbuggering off to Finland for your new job and your new house and your new life without us, but how’s Mum supposed to get her fresh start when she has no idea why your marriage ended?It’s not you, it’s me!Seriously, Dad! That issucha cliché. Grow a pair and tell her why you ended it so she can finally have some closure and move on. And if you’re not willing to do that, then we’re through cos I have zero respect for you and don’t want to spend any time with someone so self-centred. Au revoir or goodbye. It’s your call.’
‘I didn’t put her up to it,’ I said, although I loved her for doing it. ‘She didn’t tell me she’d called.’
‘She’s feisty.’
‘She is. And she’s also right. So have you come to tell me why things ended?’
‘Yes.’
‘So why did they end?’
He stared into his coffee, his brow furrowed. ‘It’s complicated. Now that I’m here…’
‘For God’s sake, Laurie, just say it.’
‘It’s not that easy.’
‘You’re the one making it difficult when it doesn’t need to be. We’ve been separated for nearly eight months now. I’ve accepted it’s over. I’m not going to beg you to try again if that’s what you’re worried about because, believe me, I have no intention of trying again.’
‘It’s not that.’
‘Then just spit it out! I thought the worst thing possible was you telling me you’re leaving me but it turns out that not knowing why is even worse. It’s killing me inside and there’s barely a day goes by when I don’t wonder what went so badly wrong between us that you walked out on our marriage, our friendship, our family and our home without discussion, without reason, without any fight.’
He lowered his head even further. I understood that this was hard and he was hurting but why keep prolonging it?
