More pitying neighbors helping me get her off the front lawn because she was too loud to ignore and too heavy for me to lift.
There were stints in foster care when it got really bad, and periods of relative normalcy when she’d dry out. But it never lasted. When I was ten, she took up with a fellow alcoholic, and Dash was the result of that blessed union. That guy didn’t stick around either.
Then the movie tried to find a happy ending, showing a room full of clapping people as Mom got sober, went to night school, and got her AA degree.
“An AA degree to go with my AA meetings!” she liked to say.
She’d been clean and sober for four years now, but the damage had been done. No finish line crossed as far as I was concerned. My trust in her was built on a shaky foundation and she knew it. I tried my best to forgive, but when you’re eleven years old and hiding your one-year-old brother in a closet because some rando boyfriend is on a drunken rage and your mom just makes excuses the next day…
I still had nightmares and took stairs instead of elevators.
Buying this housewasa big step, and I was proud of her, but doubt gnawed at the corners of my mind. While our apartment in Pittsburgh may have been shitty, at least we had Benny the landlord. If the toilet clogged, he fixed it. If it required a plumber, it was on him. We may have been one disaster away from eviction, but repair bills weren’t why.
Stop being so goddamn pessimistic, I thought.Be happy for once in your life. Let a little bit of hope in.
Hope wasn’t in my nature. My default setting wasstressed to the fucking max.
But I could try. Castle Hill Academy held the key to unlocking a lot of doors for me. Our new neighborhood, the Bend, was surrounded by lush trees, and we had a yard Dash could play in, instead of a cracked concrete parking lot.
I smiled at my mother—a real smile. “Thanks, Mom.”
Her expression turned perplexed. A little wary. “What for?”
“Working so hard. Both for us and for yourself.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she put a hand on her chest. “Oh, baby. I needed that.”
She came to me and gave me a hug, then held me away by the shoulders, her expression brighter than Dash’s on Christmas morning.
“Our luck has changed. I can feel it.” She kissed my cheek. “Let’s unpack.”
I heaved a sigh and glanced around our new, old place.
Please let her be right.
***
The first day of school arrived.
As predicted, Mom wanted to be at the dentist office early to make a good first impression, so I drove Dash to Castle Hill Elementary where he was starting second grade.
“Are you excited, bud?” I said, glancing at him in the rearview where he was cheerfully kicking his feet against the booster seat. He was such a happy kid. God, I loved that little bugger. He looked nothing like me—sandy-blond hair to my dark curls, blue eyes to my brown. Whoever my father was, his genes beat out Mom’s. Hers won with Dash.
“I’m super excited,” Dash said. “I hope my teacher is nice. I hope I make lots of friends. I hope they have tetherballs on the playground. I love tetherball. Do you think they’ll have tetherballs?”
I laughed. “I have no idea, buddy. I hope they do.”
I hope they have everything you could possibly want.
“What about you, Harper?”
“What about me?”
“Are you nervous about your first day of school?”
“A little.”
I was more than a little nervous. I wasn’t normally preoccupied about other people’s opinions, but back in Pittsburgh, there’d been hundreds of kids in the same socioeconomic range as me. At Castle Hill Academy, I’d be in a very obvious minority.
