When we pulled up, I just wanted relief—from the constant battering to my heart, from the numbness and grief, and from my own thoughts—and I’d been on the verge of begging Jackson for it. Then those eyes the color of a steady oak coated in moss locked onto mine, and it was like everything inside me quieted down to one thing.
Will you ever look at me the way you did before you found out my husband was six feet under?
It was a tortuous thought with thorns. I couldn’t tear it from me without doing tremendous damage but leaving it to fester inside me would surely lead to more pain later. Even still I almost asked it.
But somehow the same two hazel hues that’d already become my undoing were also the very thing to save me, because while I found myself sinking further into their endless depths, I couldn’t formulate any words. Even though the expression within them was hesitant and tentative, just having his attention felt like a heated blanket, warmingme from the inside out. So when Jackson opened the door to the truck, it was as if my cord had been cut, and I plunged back into our icy reality. Watching him climb from the cab was like scratching at a healing wound. The initial contact burned and stung, but the satisfaction of relieving the itch kept you going back for more.
It was why my eyes found their way to the rearview mirror as I pulled away. Why I held his stare for as long as I could, even if I was sure he didn’t know I was watching him back. Why the rest of the drive back to my cabin, my stomach was on the verge of purging what little I had in it.
It was why, even now, as I stood under a scalding stream, I couldn’t shake the sensation from under my skin. The torrent of water from my showerhead pounded against the achy muscles of my back, and I let out a small groan as the knots slowly unraveled. The day wasn’t even over yet, and I felt like I’d aged ten years.
Something was different about Jackson Arness. It wasn’t just the inevitable change his arrival to Juniper Grove signified—there was something more. I couldn’t be sure what it was, but I knew it like I knew the sky was blue.
The feeling of his eyes on me still lingered like something foreign inside my body. It was wrong. But I didn’t want it to go away, either, and that didn’t sit right. Squirting body wash into a rag, I ran it up and over my arms, trying to focus on the sensation of anything else. It scraped along my frayed nerves, sending chills up my spine and causing goosebumps to scatter themselves over my skin. It was the first feeling I’d had all day that wasn't directly correlated to Jackson, and it pulled a soft gasp from my lips.
I continued to scrub the cloth over my skin, closing my eyes as I let myself fall deeper into the static lighting up my insides. The more I ran the material over my upper body, the faster my chest rose and fell. My brain was going fuzzy, so when I dragged the rag over one of my pebbled nipples, the electricity that shot straight to my groin nearly bowled me over. The groan I let out was strained, and the familiar pressure building low in my gut made me want to scream.After everything I’d gone through today, this was the slap across the face that hurt the worst, but still, I opened my eyes.
I stared at my cock that hadn’t so much as twitched in years with only one sensation settling in my chest.
It wasn’t relief that the concern for erectile dysfunction was swirling down the drain along with the suds of my body wash. It wasn’t the desire to rub one out and ride the much-needed endorphins of my orgasm through the rest of the day. And it sure as shit wasn’t confusion.
Whirling around, I flipped the shower handle to blast myself with frigid water, sucking in lungfuls of air as the icy pricks of water overrode everything else in my brain. But not the guilt.
I almost decided to skip dinner. The dirty sensation lingering on my soul made me feel like I had a scarlet letter plastered to my forehead. Like I would walk into the main house, and everyone would know I got an erection that had nothing to do with my husband.
But my only other option to make this day go by any quicker was to sleep. So, I found myself pulling in beside Granger’s blue pickup in the circular drive of the farmhouse. Stepping into the foyer, I made my way toward the dining room and braced myself for the onslaught of emotions I knew would come the moment I locked gazes with an increasingly familiar pair of green-brown hues.
When I made it into the room, I realized my hemming and hawing over choosing to come had caused me to arrive a little late. Everyone had already settled into their seats, and the side dishes were already being rotated around the table. All eyes landed on me, anddespite myself, I found myself focusing on the one set I wished I wasn’t drawn to.
Jackson had changed into a dark button-down that accentuated every muscle in his chest like it was its job. He’d rolled up the sleeves a little haphazardly, and the little flaps of his cuffs poking out from the rolls was surprisingly endearing. I could have been holding his gaze for ten seconds, ten minutes, or ten years, and I wouldn’t have noticed the room around me because the hesitancy staring back at me completely overrode everything else.
I was right back to practically begging to know how I could fix things. To wishing he’d stop looking at me like he was on the verge of tears because I was already starting to miss the dimple.
“We missed you at lunch,” my father said by way of greeting, pulling my attention to him at the head of the table.
“I heard it was chili,” I murmured, placing a kiss on my mother’s offered cheek as I approached her chair to the right of my father. “Sorry to have missed it.”
“Tallie was worried.” She lowered her voice so only I could hear, ever aware the woman in question was seated at the other end of our table. “Make sure you speak with her before you turn in. I’m sure she’ll sleep better after setting eyes on you.”
“I will, Ma,” I assured her.
Her warm brown eyes, not so different from my own, shimmered with understanding, and she gave me a soft smile. “Take your seat, Tucker. She made your favorite.”
Sure enough, Dudd was currently spooning out a large helping of Tallie’s famous mac-and-cheese onto his plate. Beside him, Elliot held a basket of her flakey butter biscuits and was offering one to Lane on his other side. My lips tilted up, knowing how hard Tallie must have labored to get these dishes out on top of making chili. Food was healing, and for our no-nonsense cook, this was her way of showing she knew how hard today was going to be for me.
I gave a nod to my parents, turning to take my place at the table, when I caught sight of Jackson. For whatever reason, my brain chosethat moment to finally register where he was sitting. I should have expected it, but out of all the seats, what were the chances he would pick that one?
Intuitively, I knew everyone had their preferred places, and after the many years this crew had been together, it only made sense that Jackson would be shuffled into an open spot that wasn’t the foot of the table. And there weren’t many of them. Sucking a slow breath, I tried to steel myself as I walked to my chair and sat down beside our newest farmhand.
CHAPTER EIGHT
JACKSON
He smelled clean, fresh from the shower, with an intoxicating undertone of a recently poured glass of bourbon as he sat in the chair beside me. I wanted to lean over and inhale him, certain I would get drunk from the scent of his skin alone. But he looked more… exhausted. Weighed down by something that hadn’t been there when he’d left me on the porch steps of the bunkhouse.
Tucker was still gorgeous, but somehow, the extent of everything he carried on his shoulders was more apparent than ever. What did he do to take the load off? He hardly seemed like the kind of person to take breaks unless he was forced to, but despite barely knowing the man, I worried he’d been working himself into an early grave.
It was that thought that struck me back into awareness of the stillness surrounding us. The clinks and scraps of silverware on dishes and plates were notably missing. I glanced around, unease building, as I realized all eyes were trained on Tucker. It was like the entire room had collectively held their breath, waiting for his next move.
