“We weren’t meant to be something serious, so I understand why you’re…reacting the way you are,” I explain. “It’s not like we’re actuallytogether. We’re not in a relationship?—”
“Because you don’t want to be.”
I look at him like he just said those words in a foreign language. When I don’t respond, he continues.
“Kendall, I want what you want. If you want us to take things slow, then we take things slow.” He takes that step, no longer hesitant but now so sure and confident. “If you want to be with me and let me call you my girlfriend, then I want to fucking be with you too. I want you to call me your boyfriend.”
I thought those cheesy titles would turn me off. They’re too cliché, too corny. But when he says those words, my heart swells.
I start to brush him off, turn away with my hand on the doorknob, ready to close my door and leave my vulnerable, achy heart protected behind it. But he reaches for my face, cupping my cheeks in his hands. I see the desperation settle in his eyes, right along the watery edges that have grown red and weary. His nostrils flare, almost like he’s so goddamn frustrated, and it shifts something in me. A tilt in the other direction. I’ve never seen him so hell-bent and determined, and a part of me bends.
“I’m not going to forget it,” he whispers. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re not?” My voice shakes, and it sounds hopeful when that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want to hope. I don’t want to dream up a future where things could work out. Where we’d actually be happy with a little baby on the way. Because what if it didn’t? What if this all ends in a big mess we don’t even know how to come back from? And throw ababyinto that mix? How careless and stupid would that be of us?
But then James kisses me, soft and reassuring. He holds me like he’s never going to let go, stroking a hand down the back of my head. He cradles me in his arms, a soothing gesture that has me really believing everything is going to be okay.
“We’ll figure it out,” he whispers, hot against my cool, shaky skin. “I’m here, and we’re going to figure it out together.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Kendall
NOW
From: [email protected]
I’ve been thinking about time lately. How long my commute is from home to school. The length of my favorite movie or a song I play on repeat in the car. How long it takes me to get through one of these emails.
And I look at nine years. 3285 days. That’s a long time.
A long time to hold on to something I should’ve said goodbye to years ago.
“Hi Kendall.”
“Hi Sam.” I realize I’ve probably said my therapist’s name about seven times since I started seeing her last year. I smile, a vast difference from the gloomy, moody affect I’ve graced her with in the past.
“How are you today?”
I shrug, though my shoulders bob up and down with a buoyant bounce. “I’m okay,” I tell her truthfully.
“You look better. And sound better,” she comments. There’s no reproving ring to her voice, and it makes me hopeful that I appear “better” enough for her to take notice.
“Yeah,” I agree.
“How’s the new medication?”
I nod. “I struggled pretty badly with the side effects for a week or so, but I’m feeling better.”
“And, aside from the side effects, how do youfeel?” She emphasizes the word “feel.” Like trying to rearrange the question to its original form and asking if I’m still severely depressed is too risky.
“I don’t know.” I’m being honest, an unexpected trend for today’s therapy session. Usually, I’m a tight-lipped church mouse of awkward silences and deflection. “Right now, I think I’m just getting over the symptoms. The nausea was pretty horrible, and I feel like I’m finally getting over that.”
Her brows shoot up, and I’m not sure if she’s surprised with my unorthodox chatty self or the fact that I’m actually answering her questions. No diverting, no digressing. Maybe this is the start of Kendall 2.0 à la a rattly bottle of prescription drugs.
“I’m sure the psychiatrist told you, but it takes some time for the medication to do what it’s supposed to, so keep taking it as ordered for now. If the symptoms come back or if they’re affecting your day-to-day more than usual, let them know.”
