And I was going to look super hot on camera, and I was going to be smooth and slick and not awkward at all and the network was going to go, ‘Hurrah! She’ll definitely be the lead on the next season ofWherefore Art Thou Romeo?!’ and I was going to meet a lovely hunk of a man who looked at me the way Brett looked at Mary-Ellen and kissed me like Brett had kissed Mary-Ellen under that waterfall, and we were going to make big bucks on Instagram and bang this crush right out of my system.
Maybe we’d go on double dates sometime down the track, when we could go to restaurants again. Dylan would be there with his Juliet and I’d be there with my Romeo, and we’d all laugh over a bottle of wine because we were old friends. ‘I never told you this, but I totally had the hots for you when we were filming those best-friend spots on your season,’ I’d tell him, and we would all piss ourselves laughing because the thought of him and me being together was so ridiculous.
Then my Romeo and I would go home and have extremely passionate but also tender and loving sex, because we were deeply in love.
That was my future. I could get to that future. I was going to watch Dylan with the Juliets, and I was going to put my heart through a woodchipper, and I was going to act cool so the network would gather me a troupe of handsome men thatI could force to build love machines for me and play Love Jockey Hockey for my amusement and who would love me forever.
Easy.
‘All right, Juliets, how well do you think you know your Romeo Dylan?’ Z asked.
I heard a murmur from the other side of the hedge that Murray had stashed me behind once hair and make-up were done with me. ‘Not as well as I’d like to!’ someone – Jess D, I realised, looking at the grainy little monitor sitting next to Saurav – called out. ‘That means biblically, Dylan!’
‘I’m flattered, Jess,’ Dylan replied. ‘And I should let you all know that I am very vulnerable to flattery, so if you want to say nice things about me, by all means, go ahead.’
It was rude, honestly, how even when he was standing next to an objectively attractive man like Tom Zelig, and even when his image was being captured on a screen as low quality as the monitor I was watching, Dylan still somehow managed to be the single hottest man who had ever set foot on the face of the Earth.
‘Today, we’re going to play a game that will help us find out who really knows Dylan best,’ Z said. ‘On the ground in front of you, you’ll find a whiteboard and a marker. In Dylan’s hands, you’ll find a stack of questions.’
‘They’re not hard, I promise,’ Dylan said.
Of course he was smiling. Of course my body wanted to react to that smile by dissolving into a puddle.
Of course I needed to get my shit together and realise he was smiling at his seven girlfriends and not at me.
‘Dylan’s going to ask these questions, and you’re going to write your answers on your whiteboards,’ Z went on. ‘For every question you get correct, you get a point. The person with the most points at the end of the date will win the all-important single date.’
The camera panned across the line of Juliets. Amanda nodded seriously. Hero Nurse Dylan rubbed her hands together. Kumiko closed her eyes and breathed in slowly, Jenifer-style. Parisa squared her shoulders.
These were the women Dylan was interested in. These women. Not me. Not. Me.
‘But there’s a twist!’ Z announced.
‘Get ready,’ a PA whispered to me.
I wasn’t going to wuss out this time. I was going to nail this date, and I was going to be the next lead onWherefore Art Thou Romeo?, and I was going to make a ton of money, and I was going to tell Dylan the next time he came down to the Convent that he needed to be spending his time with the Juliets and not with me, and I was going to spend my remaining few weeks here putting myself back together.
‘It’s a lonely job, being the Romeo,’ Z said. ‘It’s even lonelier now, in a time like this one, where so many of us are cut off from our friends and family.’
A make-up artist rearranged some locks of hair over my shoulder. My hands were shaking. I balled them into fists and ordered them to stop.
‘But Dylan’s been lucky enough to find a friend right here on the show,’ Z said. ‘They didn’t click romantically, but they definitely clicked platonically…’
No. I absolutely refused to feel the knife that was stabbing into my heart. It was definitely not twisting.
‘Please welcome back to the Juliet Villa, Dylan’s very good friend – Cece!’
‘Go, go, go,’ the PA hissed to me, shoving me in the small of my back.
Miraculously, I managed not to stumble as I walked out to stand beside Dylan. ‘Hi, everyone!’ I said, ignoring the cameras as resolutely as I possibly could. (Think of the money, think of your Romeo, think of the passionate but loving sex you’ll have with him that’ll drive Dylan completely out of your mind.) ‘It’s nice to see you all again!’
Lily Fireball crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. ‘How many times do I need to drown you before you stay down?’
‘Come on, Lily, play nice,’ Dylan said.
‘Only because you asked,’ she said, batting her lashes.
We were filming episode seven. Murray had told Dylan he could cut Lily Fireball in episode eight. That meant there was less than a week until she was living down in the Convent with me.
