‘That’s not what I’m asking. Not here. Not on the show. I mean after.’
He didn’t say anything.
‘I know how it works, Dylan,’ I said. ‘The network’s going to make you do a press junket after the finale airs. With the pandemic… even when Stage Four restrictions lift, there’s still going to be some element of lockdown. She’s going to have to be in your bubble. Hell, she’ll probably have to move in with you.’
‘Not for a while. The premiere won’t air for at least six weeks after we get out of here. It’ll be ages until the finale.’
‘That’s not an answer!’ I said. ‘Are you going to sleep with her, Dylan? Yes or no?’
‘No,’ he said.
I bit my lip, hard enough to draw blood, hard enough to bite back the words,You don’t know that, you can’t promise that.
‘Even if there weren’t a you and me, I wouldn’t,’ he said. ‘I like Dyl, but I barely know her. Every second I spend with her – with all the women in the Villa, for that matter – is produced and managed so they can tell the story they want. She andI have only ever had one conversation without cameras there, and it was weeks ago.’
‘You might get to know her,’ I said. ‘Like you did with me.’
‘Cece, I didn’t fall in love with you just because you were there,’ he said. ‘I fell in love with you because you’reyou.’
I didn’t say anything.
‘I’ve put you in a terrible position, Cece,’ Dylan said. ‘I’m well aware of that. I’ve put Dyl in a bad position too. Me falling in love with someone else wasn’t in our arrangement at all. This whole thing is killing me. Really.’
Then say something!I wanted to scream.Do something!
‘But I wouldn’t do that,’ he went on. ‘To her or to you. I’m not going to sleep with Dyl – or with anyone – while I’m still in love with you, Cece.’
He leaned over and kissed my forehead. ‘I promise,’ he whispered tenderly.
That’s not the promise you think it is,I wanted to say.I’m very easy to fall out of love with.
‘People have made a lot of promises to me, Dylan,’ I said instead. ‘They haven’t always kept them.’
‘Those people weren’t me,’ he said. ‘I love you.’
I’d spent a lot of time around Dylan trying not to cry, but I’d have had better luck trying to stop a tsunami. A sob ripped its way out of my throat, and another, and another. My body convulsed uncontrollably as I buried my face in my knees.
‘Hey, hey, hey, hey!’ Dylan said, scrambling up to the bed to sit next to me so he could wrap his arms around me. ‘I know that might not be something you’ve heard a lot before, but—’
‘I have heard it before!’ I said. ‘That’s the problem! People say they love me and then theyleave!’
I shoved my fist into my mouth, trying to stifle a scream. ‘I’m never enough,’ I sobbed. ‘I’m never good enough. I never say the right thing or do the right thing or act the right way, and even though they think they might love me, they leave.’
‘Cece, Cece, baby, look at me,’ he said, his fingers stroking my hair, my neck, my face. ‘Look at me. Please.’
I did my best, but my whole body was shaking, the sobs tearing out of me like someone was physically yanking them from my body.
‘You are good enough,’ he said. ‘You’re more than enough. I don’t just think I love you. I know I love you. There is not one single doubt in my mind.’
‘But you’re still going to leave, Dylan! In four days, you’re going to tell someone else that you love her and you want to be with her. And it’s not going to be me!’
‘And it’s not going to be true!’ he said. ‘I love you, Cece. Just you. Only you. I know that might not mean much to you—’
‘Of course it means something to me!’ I exclaimed. ‘It means everything to me! But what are we supposed to do, Dylan? Text? Zoom? Hope that your hero nurse girlfriend is magically cool with me being your sidepiece, even though she’s been promised this fairy-tale ending with you?’
‘I don’t know!’ he said. ‘I have no fucking idea, Cece! I’ve never had any fucking idea! All I know is that if I break this contract, then I’ll become the most hated man in the country, do a bunch of damage to my charity, and probably set back representation in this franchise by a decade.’
I felt nauseous. How are you supposed to react when someone tells you that being with you would ruin not just their life but everyone else’s?
