Onyx bolts upright beside me, his arm shooting across me protectively with his sword already in his other hand. His amber gaze is immediately on the trap door. "What? What's happened?"
"You have magic hearing, O, you know that?" I say, in a hushed voice. “Just a scratch on my leg is all," I reply, not wanting to wake a sleeping Stellan on the chair by the door. He sleeps so rarely without nightmares of his wife’s loss, that I don’t want to disturb him. Onyx hops over my outstretched legs to be on my other side.
"Can I see?"
"No, let's just sleep."
"Need stitches?"
"No, it's shallow. Just a skim from an arrow," I say, but those glowing yellow eyes narrow at me in the darkness, and his hand comes to my forehead to check if I have a fever. I swat it away. "Onyx, give it a rest."
"Can I see if it's infected?"
"First thing tomorrow," I say, burying myself under my cloak again as my own breath clouds my vision. It's so fucking cold, and normally I'd be cuddled up to Stellan on missions like this, but nowadays there's only one person who occupies my mind.
I miss Rexxan.
When I left, it didn't even occur to me that I'd miss him as much as I do now. I’m not sure I’ve genuinely missed anyone in my entire life before this week. Every day we have spent together has made it harder to spend one apart, and I see now that somewhere along the last few months, Rexxan has become part of my daily routine. He's not the kind of person that just fits into your life. He uproots it and fills every void you could think of.
He's been the constant company at my side, the warm body beside me at night. He's the intoxicating smell that works its way onto all of my clothes and bedsheets, and right now, all I can notice is that he's not here. And as much as I'd love to be at his evil mercy in his downstairs bedroom or being gently made love to on his bed, it isn't just the sex anymore. It's just…him.
"You miss him?" Asks Onyx, watching me intently as he always has. He's so mindful of everything I'm thinking. "Were you joking? On Tuesday when you said you were engaged?"
I shake my head and my big brother sighs, raking his scratched and bruised hands through messy curls. "I don't understand, Renna. Why?"
"Why marriage? Or why him?"
"Him, of all the fucking people. Is it...is it the sex?" He grimaces as he asks it. "I just don't understand."
"I had a stellar sex life before Rex, I'll have you know. That's not what I need him for." Granted, it's better with him than anyone else, but I was doing more than fine before. "There's so much more to him than he lets anyone see. He's a good man, Onyx. Look at what he's doing now. He's all but bankrupting his kingdom and ruining his own health and sanity to help all the people fleeing from other kingdoms, all while grieving the loss of his son—.”
"His son is dead?" Interjects Onyx, eyes widening in horror. “Sorry for interrupting you.”
I shake my head, shrug, and then shake my head again. "Rexxan thinks so. He's not eating or sleeping because of it, but he's not found a body yet."
"Fuck. I didn't know that. I didn't even realise he had a son until Lynna told me. How old is he?"
"Seven hundred and something.”
"Really? He had him when he was almost a child himself?"
"It was his father’s doing. Perhaps his father knew that most of the family was going to die, that Rexxan would need something to live for. I don't know. But Rexxan is so much more than the heartless, characterless man everyone thinks he is. He looks after me."
"But I look after you too, don't I?" The last two words come out a little quieter, a little less sure.
A small fissure forms in my heart, splintering and spreading like lightning against a black sky. I hate my mother for what she did to Onyx, for what she’sstilldoing to Onyx. I hate that he'd probably be better off if they never took him out of that orphanage in the first place. She turned the tall but gentle-natured boy into a ruthless killing machine who'd go as far as killing his own father to protect his sister. I see in his eyes that he's terrified, beneath it all.
He is still the same boy. The one who hid sick hedgehogs in his room and nurtured them back to health, the one who’d be the very last to resort to violence, the one who believes there is hope that anyone can change, no matter how bad their sins. He’s still in there somewhere.
His eyes widen, flooded with worry. "No, no, no. Renna. What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
"Because you don't see where you'll fit into my life if Rexxan is in it too!" I say, my croaky words lost in his chest. I can blame my mother, I can blame my father, I can blame our previous commanders, but it was me who killed that kind-hearted boy. It’s my fault he’s damaged. "You've been my best friend for my whole life. That'll never change!"
Onyx just shrugs, and I curl up in a ball on his outstretched legs like I did when we were just two tiny children in a freezing cold house. His fingers tangle through my hair gently just like they did all those years ago, and it only makes me cry harder. Onyx is my greatest weakness. I wish I could fix him.
* * *
“Why didn’tI choose a career as a fucking barman?” Shouts Stellan, as we sprint down the mountain with every piece of energy left in us.
