I can hardly wash myself in peace. I can't sleep in peace, or work in peace, or even fucking breathe in peace. Onyx remains three feet away, silent and irritating. He should get that tattooed, actually.
Gods, that was harsh. I take a slow breath and open my eyes. Onyx stands there, no emotion on his face. Not even sadness. It'sthatthat scares me. Even when I'm awful to him, he doesn't react. "I'm sorry, O. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's fine."
"No, it's not fine. I know you're here out of kindness. Just...I need a few hours to myself."
"I'll stay out of your way more. You won't know I'm here."
"Alright!" I acquiesce, frustrated. For a moment, and it’s the most fleeting of moments, his stoic bodyguard mask slips. His eyes flicker with something that chills my spine; guilt.
"Renna, I...I'm sorry," he falters, his voice uneasy. "I know...I know you don't like having me around you. I just wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you and I wasn't there to help."
That sentence crashes into me like a ton of bricks, knocking the air from my lungs. "Onyx!" I croak, warm tears spilling out my eyes, stinging my wind-chilled face. "You think I don't like having you around?"
He shuffles uncomfortably, his hand rubbing his neck. "You say that, sometimes. But if I'm not watching you...I'm just sitting somewhere torturing myself imagining bad things happening."
I clear the few paces between us and press my forehead into his chest, the salty taste of tears bleeding onto my tongue. "I never want to make you feel like that. I'm sorry. I love having you with me so, so much. You're my big brother, O. My best friend in the whole world! I just get grumpy when I feel like you're treading on my toes."
"Would it help if I talk less?" He asks quietly, which only makes me cry harder. He's breaking my heart here. He talks so little already.
"No! Please don't talk less." Oh, gods. I feel like my heart is splintering in two. Onyx is my entire world, and I hate that I’ve made him sad. He comes first. He always comes first, but I haven’t let him see that very well.
"If I stood further away? You wouldn't see me so much," he says, his golden eyes big and lost, like he's not sure what to do.
"Onyx, I just want you to take a week off. I'm strong and I am more than capable with swords, knives, and arrows."
"I know you are. I don't guard you because I think you can't defend yourself. I guard you because...because….”
"I know why you do it," I’m sobbing harder, burying myself further into his arms. He does it because he’s been broken so many times by so many people that guarding me has become his life raft.His lighthouse in a dark and lonely sea.He squeezes his arms around me, enveloping me in his warm presence as he has always done since I was too small to even reach the door handles. I’m not really a crier, but Onyx is my weakness.
I love him so much.
* * *
A week ago,Onyx highlighted an issue. A week ago, I wasn't worried. Now, as the days and hours go by, I realise this could be a big issue. The biggest issue of my life.
Twenty-eight hours spent in both of Rexxan's forests lead me to nothing that helps my problem. I slash through the bushes, enjoying the sound of my sword singing through the air despite the dread that trickles, hot and uncomfortable, down my spine.
How I’ve gotten myself into the position where a man has control over my moods, I don’t know.
But Rexxan isn’t just a man. He’s…utterly indescribable.
I turn east and wade through a river, running my hands through the reeds on the forested riverbank. But I find nothing of what I need.Nothing. Less than three days. I have less than three days to fix this. I've spent the last few years in Espan's Kingdom; a Kingdom that makes its money from growing and harvesting plants and crops. I never struggled to find any plant I needed.
Now I am in Rexxan's Kingdom; who's wealth is built in gold, wine, warcraft, and weapons. In a depressing moment, I realise that I have to go to Lynna with this. Dejected and slightly damp, I turn back to the gates. Onyx is waiting outside my tent back at camp. "At least tell me if you're going to vanish for two days, Rennalya."
"Wasn't supposed to be that long."
Concerned eyes meet mine. "Nothing?" He whispers, his eyes darting around us.
“Nothing."
"You have to go to Rexxan with this. He's the only person in this kingdom that knows that forest inside and out."
"I'll go to Lynna, and if she can't help, I'll think about it."
"And ifno onecan help?"
