"I know you do. This is Rexxan's issue to work through with himself. He has been a bear this week. He's so angry with everyone."
"You've seen him this week?" I ask, a shard of worry moving down my spine.
Her face softens with realisation. "Not in that sense, Renna. Only for work. He hardly looks at another woman these days." She produces a key from a drawer, walks to a different drawer, and puts it into a lock. Only once she whispers some kind of spell does the key turn. "Did you know that sorceresses need sunlight just like they need food and water?"
Wow. That explains a lot. I always feel weaker when I haven't been out. "No, I didn't."
"And that whilst immortals stop aging at the mortal age of about twenty-nine, sorceresses stop aging at an equivalent of age twenty-three?"
"Really? No, I didn’t. Is that why people tell me I'm immature?"
She smiles kindly. "Never let people tell you that, Renna. Just because you haven't lost your ability to have fun like the rest of us, it doesn't make you immature. There are other things you should know in there too. Like that sorceresses only have a low chance of surviving childbirth."
A huge jigsaw piece of my life clicks into place. "That's why my parents….”
She slides two pages of neat notes across the desk towards me. "It's more than likely, but it doesn't excuse what they did, at all. At all. I made this for you. It’s a guide to who you are.”
I know this gesture is the summation of months of Lynna’s free time being spent in old libraries, and that I should be thanking her. But it’s not gratitude that’s lodging my words in my throat.
It’s dread.
As my eyes roam the paragraphs, the reality of what is going to happen to me seeps into my veins like poison. For the first time in a long time, I feel scared. Not scared like I have to give a speech or fight someone bigger than me. This is genuine terror that shakes my core. "I have to get out of this kingdom. You have to help me get out of here without being questioned."
"I like you, Renna, but I'd never go behind Rexxan's back on anything. You have to accept that this is happening. If you want to announce it to your people, or just not mention it, that's fine. But in a week’s time, your life won't be the same as it is now. I'll support you, and I'm asking you from the bottom of my heart not just to take off and run again."
"It's all I can do," I say, my stomach sinking. I love every single one of my hunters. I love Stellan and Annaliya with every fragment of my being. I love Lynna, and Frian, and Talyn, and Ellatar. And Rexxan...I swallow the lump in my throat. I've said a lot of goodbyes in my time but this one feels like a burning hot poker in the chest.
On Rexxan’s desk, I begin to write a note and leave enough money to buy out the remainder of my employment with him.
Something came up, and I had to go. I'm so sorry.
Onyx will do just as good a job as me. Look after him until I return.
R.
I hurry into the bathroom of my palace room, sweeping an arm across the shelves to put the few possessions I own into my bag. I’m crying as I do it, because I know Rexxan will hate me for this. But the dislike he can feel for me will pale in comparison to the sheer loathing I have within myself.
As I run through the list of people I’ve encountered in my life, I struggle to identify one that I haven’t hurt. I struggle to identify one that wouldn’t be better off if I’d never met them. I slap a hand over my mouth to muffle the sob that threatens to leave my lips.
I don’t know when I last broke down. I tell myself I am fine. I tell myself to hold it in until I’m alone later, but when I see the colour of the tear that hits the white tiled floor, I sink to my knees and fall apart.
Chapter26
True Colours (Rexxan)
Istare at the note on my desk in sheer disbelief, wondering how she could do this. To me, to Onyx, to Stellan, to her people.
She's fucking gone, and why, I do not know.
In the back of my mind, I'm worried it's because I didn't tell her how I felt about her, but that's not Renna. She's tougher than that. She could walk through fire if she had to. That cannot be the only reason.
A year and a half of nothing but her, and I've lost her.
"Do you know where she is?" Shouts a deep voice, a fist hammering my door. It bursts open and Stellan stands there, pale green eyes burning into mine. A note is clenched in his fist and I suspect that she left one for him, Onyx, and Annaliya too. "Because I swear to the gods, if you do, I'll fucking lose it!"
He stalks towards me, boiling with wrath. Besides myself, he's the biggest person I've seen. He's bigger than Onyx and even Frian, about the same size as my son. Piercings cover his ears, a silver ring in his nose. Even his tongue has a stud in it as he starts to talk. "I'll tell you the way I see it. She comes running out of your halls one day, more upset than usual. Then she's not herself for two weeks, and then she runs away? You want me to add that up for you, sweetie?" He asks, in a saccharine tone.
I grab his hand as he goes to shove me, holding it in front of my face. A well-worn gold band sits on his left hand. "Does your wife know you fuck a different person each night?" I ask, and he loses any fraction of calm he had left, pulling a knife from his belt.
