I did what I knew to be best for my family, but it feelssowrong.
I ball my fists to stop myself from touching her.
“Ophelia, I don’t think I ever really believed you published the article. Maybe for five minutes, before I’d given it any thought—”
“That’s not what this is about.” She rubs her forehead, smoothing out the lines of her frown. It’s something more and more people seem to do in my presence, lately. Her bitter laugh fogs the window beside her. “God, Alex … how can we ever trust each other again? How could you survive being asked to choose between your family and me again?”
“I won’t choose.”
She turns to face me. Her feet have slipped from her boots, white knitted socks perched on the edge of the seat, and my traitorous heart decides now is the time to fall in love with her for the hundredth time.
With her chin resting on her knees and my pulse a stuttered, desperate beat, I think she might be about to agree. To give me the second chance I don’t really deserve. But she opens her mouth and says, “Please can you drive me back now?”
I let out a defeated sigh and turn the car around in silence.
“How’s … how’s work?” she asks.
“As shit as I always knew it’d be. How’s Sorrowsong?”
“It’s okay,” she says, quietly. She hates it there, I know. “It’ll do.”
“Did you pass your exams?”
“Yeah.”
I can’t help my smile. I glance down at her while I drive. “You did?”
The little bit of pride in her expression makes my grin widen. That’smygirl. “Yeah.”
“That’s amazing, Twist. You’re amazing.”
She’s stronger than she gets credit for, just like Harwood reassures me.
“I need you not to come back again, Alex,” she says calmly. I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I lost my parents, and I said I’d never open myself up to that sort of loss again, and I understand why you felt like you had to leave that day. And I’m not angry at you. Iforgiveyou, even. But my heart can’t take it happening again. And you deserve not to have to choose between us ever again.”
“I won’t leave.”
She shakes her head. “In what alternate universe do you and I get a happy ending, Alex? One where you don’t have a family tying you to New York? And I don’t have a whole load of baggage and a complete inability to open up to you? One where I’d be comfortable dating someone in the spotlight? One where I’d be happy to just hop on a plane and move to New York? Or Paris? One where you wouldn’t resent me for what happened over the past few weeks? Where wereallytrust each other?”
“You’re giving up on us before we’ve even tried.”
She looks like I’ve slapped her when I glance to my left. “We’ve tried. This year won’t be the only time in our lives that things get hard. Other terrible things will happen, and I don’t trust that you won’t leave me again. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.”
I keep my gaze fixed on the road ahead, letting her words sink in.
She wants someone more stable. Sheneedssomeone more stable. She needs to look after her mental health, and I, of all people, can understand that.
“Okay,” I whisper. We’re plunged into silence. Not awkward this time, but final. Neither of us is scrambling for things to say.
I pull into the Sorrowsong parking lot a short while later. It’s raining again, harder this time. I kill the engine, pull an umbrellafrom the back seat, then round the front of the car to open the door for her.
She steps out of the car and under the umbrella I’m holding. I hate how sad she looks. “We’re just in the wrong universe, Alex.”
“Yeah,” I say, flatly. I force a small smile, hoping it makes her feel better. She doesn’t bat me away when I brush the tear from her lower lashes before it has a chance to fall.
“I love you,” she whispers, like a goodbye.
I smile, letting my thumb trace her jaw. I swallow my own tears down. We didn’t get a goodbye in January, but this feels like it. It’sagony. “I love you more, Twist.”
