“I think your struggles have a lot to do with your environment and experiences.”
I swallow thickly. Force out a nod. “Okay.”
Emails ping through on my laptop incessantly, but one sender catches my eye.Harris Carmichael.Before I can read it, Robert steals my laptop from my desk and shuts it.
“I was reading an email.”
“Do you want to keep paying me almost four figures a session to watch you read your emails in silence?”
“Why is it my problem that you’re massively overcharging?”
His smile is genuine, mustard-colored socks appearing as he stretches his legs in front of the sofa, hooking one ankle over the other. I trace over a squiggle across my notebook for the millionth time. “Bad day?”
It is a bad mood day. One of the lowest. One where I don’t understand how I’ll make it to midnight. One where money has lost all meaning, food has no taste, and work issues don’t drum up a single reaction out of me. The world feels like a wildfire chasing me down, and dying feels like a crisp, cold swimming pool. “I don’t understand why I want to die.”
“When you’ve finally got Ophelia back?”
“Yeah.”
“A relationship won’t fix your depression, no matter how much you love her.”
“It does in the movies.”
“Mice cook meals inside chefs’ hats in the movies, Alex, that’s not a good frame of reference.”
“It’s a rat. It’s literally calledRatatouille.”
He waves his hand like it’s an inconsequential detail. Ophelia would have something to say about that. “You’re depressed, Alex. Ophelia might not fix it, your mom getting better might not fix it, leaving Green might not fix it, your father being caught might not fix it, either.”
“That’s reassuring. Thanks.”
“Your view of Ophelia is not particularly healthy, as we’ve spoken about a hundred times before. She is not the cure to all of your problems. But feeling supported and loved will make it a lot easier for you to support yourself. You can’t look after yourself at the moment because every waking minute of your life is spent thinking about your father.”
“I just can’t keep treading water forever.” I’mtired.
“Sooner or later, the first domino will fall.”
“No matter how the final domino falls, it’ll be shit for the girls. Josie still thinks her dad is a superhero. She’s convinced he’s coming back home. I’m trying to prepare them.”
“For having their father die? Or put in prison?”
My pen draws a long, looping line until the sketch on my page resembles Ophelia’s hips. I hope she’s okay. I hope she never knows a mood as low as this one. “Either.Both.”
Fleur is heading the same way I’ve gone. The last thing sheneeds is more drama, but she’ll get it. She’ll probably get it for the rest of her life.
The rest of my session with Robert is the same: me despairing, him offering sensible and rational answers that I refuse to listen to. The only highlight was discovering he went on a date with Jacqueline last week.
My phone buzzes to life as he leaves. Ophelia. I decline and fire her a quick text.
Alex
I’m bad company today, baby.
Ophelia
Not to me. Just calling to say I’m back at Sorrowsong safely.
Alex
