‘Why would you blame Luke for what happened?’
Maria stared at her feet. ‘Because it was having him that sent me mad, Hope. Insanity of childbirth my physician calls it...’ Her expression turned wistful. ‘I was so looking forward to becoming a mother. Of having something to love and nurture but...’ She roughly dabbed her tears away with the corner of her shawl. ‘The moment I had my baby I lost my mind. There was no joy, none of the overwhelming love and instant bond I was promised by every woman who had experienced childbirth. Only a deep seated and toxic sadness which ate away at my brain and as a result of it, I neglected to love my sweet, kind and innocent boy for years, allowing the servants to bring him up while I wallowed in my own pit of despair and leaving him to run wild.’
‘You weren’t well, Maria.’ And her heart bled for them both. ‘Luke doesn’t blame you for any of that, and I doubt he even realises you felt those things.’
‘That is because Luke has always been a rescuer at heart who flatly refuses to accept the fact that he cannot change things. He’ll work tirelessly until he has found a way around the problem, or over it or under it, and he’ll eventually fix it because he cannot bear to see anyone distressed.’
‘He is a good man.’ One who, ironically, filled her pessimistic heart with hope.
‘He was still very young when he found a way to fix me which all my husband’s expensive physicians failed to find. Somebody, and it shames me that I have no idea who, taught him to read, and he started reading to me. Book after book after book until all those pages built a bridge between us and dragged me back. He did that again when he rescued me from Mill House too.’
‘He never told me that.’
Maria sighed as she smiled. ‘He loves you.’ As much as that warmed her, Hope had no idea how to respond to that, and settled for a slightly dismissive shrug because it didn’t feel right discussing those things with his mother when they hadn’t talked about it first. ‘It isn’t catching you know...my madness...in case that is why you are reticent about committing to him.’
Hope paused and blinked, shocked that the woman would even say such a thing. ‘The notion hadn’t even crossed my mind.’
‘I am relieved to hear it and confess I have been working on that long speech to explain it all to you in case my condition was the thing which was holding you back.’ Maria threaded her arm through hers. ‘But if it isn’t that, then what is it? As I confess I cannot fathom why you are both so keen to pretend you are not head over heels for one another when any fool with eyes in their head can plainly see that you are. Your mother and I are baffled by it.’
And there Hope had misguidedly thought she had been hiding her true feelings so well from her nearest and dearest. Clearly not if Maria and her mother had discussed it, doubtless over one of their many daily cups of tea. ‘She hasn’t mentioned it.’ Which now she considered it, was a trifle odd as her dear mama had been trying to get Hope to find herself a nice gentleman for years and Charity had not been subtle.
‘We agreed not to, my dear, as your mother said any interference would likely make you dig your stubborn heels in further and Luke flatly refuses to talk about it either, even though he is not usually so backwards about coming forward. To be frank, all this tight-lipped secrecy is most unlike him when he is normally one for jumping in with both feet once he has made up his mind.’
Hope stared at her hands while she weighed up how to answer such an obviously pointed and probing question, then decided that after Maria’s stark honesty about her illness, she owed her the same. ‘It is my fault... I have never been good with trusting men. So many of them have proved to be such predictable disappointments, I am wary of jumping in with both feet now in case...’
‘My son disappoints you too?’
She nodded. ‘I suppose you think that is unfair of me.’
Maria stared at her levelly. ‘Iknowit is unfair of you as he has done nothing to deserve it.’ She smiled to soften the admonishment. ‘But I understand more than anyone how hard it can be to trust, especially if your trust has been shattered by others. However, if I might be annoyingly philosophical and wise for a moment, I would ask you to look at it all another way. A way my physician helped me to separate my fears from reality. Instead of standing still, paralysed by fear and waiting for the worst to happen, try striding forward to embrace it. You’ll have no control over it otherwise.’ Then she slanted her a knowing glance. ‘And, let’s face it, Hope, you’ll never stride anywhere if you remain rooted to your balcony, staring at him longingly across those pesky railings while he stares longingly back at you.’
Her smile confirmed that their secret courtship, which Hope had been at great pains to keep private, wasn’t the least bit private at all. ‘Do you love him?’
Yes. So completely it petrifies me.
‘I might.’
‘Are you going to marry him?’
‘He hasn’t asked.’
‘He will.’ Then Maria grinned a lopsided grin exactly like her son’s. ‘As I doubt the three dozen rose bushes he’s already ordered to be planted at Tregally this month are for me. All yellow—quite a specific order don’t you think? When I can assure you, he has never taken the slightest interest in gardening before.’
Chapter Nineteen
Where the blazes was Hope?
Luke stalked around the ballroom again searching for her, failing to understand how a statuesque woman draped in seductive scarlet silk and with such vibrant red hair could remain hidden for so long. He hadn’t seen hide nor shimmering copper hair of her for over an hour. She wasn’t with her parents, he had checked. She wasn’t with her sister either, because Charity was dancing and Hope never danced—even with him—and had given him strict instructions not to ask her because dancing inevitably led to more speculation and they were the victims of quite enough of that already.
That edict had been issued between the strict instructions not to spend more than ten minutes with her all evening in case it led to more speculation in the gossip columns, and to make sure there was at least twenty feet of space between them at all other times—as if that would make the slightest difference. Nor was he supposed to compliment her anywhere where they could be overheard, which basically meant she bristled if he dared say anything charming outside of the balcony.
Then there was the bizarre rule about not looking at her longingly, which was frankly impossible when she was the most beautiful woman in any room and his eyes couldn’t stop drinking her in at the best of times. How she thought he would be able to stop something which was already ingrained in habit, and when she was wearing that seductive red gown to boot, he couldn’t fathom. But again, she wasn’t ready to make their relationship public yet—even to their own families—because it was still early days.
Early days be damned! As far as he was concerned, hiding it was dafter when they had no earthly reason to hide it at all and he personally couldn’t care less who knew they were a couple. However, Hope still had silly notions about him having second thoughts about exactly what he wanted from her. He understood she was reluctant to throw all caution to the wind until she was sure he wasn’t simply obsessed with her physical attributes. So he had humoured her and begrudgingly gone along with it all. Trying to do his best to reassure her of his honourable intentions even though he was desperate for her to lead him astray and indulge some of the dishonourable ones too.
If anything—and he should probably tell her this if he ever found her—with all the admiring male glances which she attracted like bees to honey her life would undoubtedly be much simpler with a big brute like him on her arm. She’d feel happier in her positively sinful body and he’d be happier simply because everyone would know that she was his so that he wouldn’t have to keep rescuing her from those panting dogs in the first place. Two birds with one stone and undoubtedly the most sensible solution.
Instinctively his eyes narrowed as he frantically searched for Lord Harlington and Lord Ealing as a new worry clouded his mind. What if she had taken refuge from those scoundrels in the garden and then been waylaid there by one who refused to take no for an answer? His pace quickened as he rushed towards the French doors before he instantly skidded to a stop and almost groaned out loud.
