‘Thisis my fault.’
‘Of course it isn’t.’ She rubbed his back and stared out into the darkness too. ‘It’s funny... I’ve dreaded this moment for years. Dreaded being exposed. Dreaded peoples’ judgement of me and their judgement of you. Dreaded how I would cope with the shame of it all—dreadedifI could cope with the shame of it all. Now that it’s finally here, I have to say it’s all a strange anticlimax.’ Typically, she was minimising the impact to spare his feelings.
‘It is perfectly understandable that you feel devastated and lost. You have no need to hide it.’
‘I do feel devastated.’ She frowned, tilting her head to stare at him. ‘But for you—not for me. You are putting me before everything again when I had finally hoped you were putting yourself first. You were so happy in Bloomsbury, my angel. Much happier than I have ever seen you.’
‘We’ll be happy again.’ He would do whatever it took to find his mother’s smile. ‘I promise you it will all pass. We’ll get through this together and in a few months what happened in London will be another part of the distant past.’
She shook her head. ‘Do you seriously think you will get over her in a few months?’
‘This isn’t about me.’
‘No...of course not. Heaven forbid you do something for yourself for a change. Prioritise your own life and your own happiness.’ For some reason she was angry at him. ‘Not when you have to watch me like a hawk for any sign I might lose my mind again! Clowance told me you’ve contacted the physician in anticipation of my next bout of insanity. She also told me you’d told her to watch me in case I start to behave irrationally.’ She prodded him hard in the bicep. ‘Your lack of faith is beyond insulting, Luke! And for the record, if anyone is being irrational right now it is you.’
‘Clowance shouldn’t...’ She stayed him with her hand.
‘Firstly, Clowance is my friend first and foremost nowadays, so she jolly well should have, and secondly, she trusts me enough to know that this will not break me, Luke. Do you hear me?’ She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. ‘This willnotbreak me! If anything, I am relieved it is all out in the open because I now no longer have to dread being exposed. Why should I care who knows what happened at Mill House? That place is an outrage which needs exposing and what happened to me there is what sent me mad the second time. That Cassius could do that to me out of revenge, legally and with no recourse, makes an ass out of the law. People have the right to know that.
‘The more I think upon it, the more I think I should have stayed put and talked to the newspapers myself, put forward my side of the story and the side of all the other poor wretches wrongfully incarcerated in similar hellholes still suffering all the abuse. Or better still allowed Hope to use her talent with words to tell the world what is happening to people up and down the country. I would have preferred to have told the truth with my head held high and proved to them that I am as sane as anyone, rather than running away with you like a coward and proving their suspicions to the contrary!’
‘Protecting you isn’t cowardly!’ And he resented the implication. ‘It is a responsibility I have always taken seriously, even if that is detrimental to my own happiness.’
Instantly her face changed to one of pity and she stroked his arm again. ‘If you love her, don’t you think you should have given her the benefit of the doubt and at least waited for her explanation? I cannot imagine Hope would ever go to the newspapers. You only have to read her book to see that she is principled and has a strong social conscience. And she loves you so very much, I cannot think what she stood to gain to jeopardise it all?’
‘An explanation wouldn’t have changed the facts, Mother.’ Not that he could have borne looking at her when he had to bid her goodbye. His overwhelming love for her would have made him waver when he needed to be resolute and his intense feelings would have clouded his judgement and stopped him from doing what his mother needed. ‘Whether she went directly to them herself, or she told someone who did, the fact remains she betrayed my confidence and yours when we entrusted her with the truth. Whichever way I try to dress that up—and believe me I have tried—that betrayal is unforgivable.’
‘But it makes no sense, Luke. She loves you. A blind man with blinkers on could see as clear as day you were the only one for her. The poor girl must be heartbroken.’
A feeling which was quite mutual. ‘Hearts mend.’ Or at least he prayed they did as his had truly been bludgeoned to pulp. The bleak and utter hopelessness of that was killing him. All the despair and pain must have showed on his expression because tears filled her eyes. ‘Oh, Luke...perhaps...’
Not a conversation he could have without disgracing himself by blubbing like a baby at the cruelty of fate and the feckless woman who had destroyed him. In case he did, he made sure he was stalking towards the door before he risked answering. ‘There is no perhaps, Mother. She let me down. I cannot forgive that.’ Before the door slammed decisively behind him, his mother couldn’t let it lie.
‘I let you down for years, Luke—and you forgave me. And we both know I treated you far worse.’
Most of the interminable carriage ride to Bath went past in a blur of abject misery, not helped by the fact Hope had had to take it all alone. At the last minute, Mr Kemble decided he needed Charity to help him choose a fitting Figaro to play opposite her. He wanted a youngish tenor with whom she had chemistry and said he wouldn’t be able to gauge that unless she was there to sing and act beside him. Ergo, despite her sister’s loud objections and genuine concern, Hope was visiting Faith alone with only their trusty coachman Evan for company. His wife, their maid Lily, and Charity would join them both later once her perfect Figaro was found.
It was probably just as well.
Had her sister been with her she would have been dreadful company, her mood veering dangerously between utterly bereft and so furious her blood was literally boiling, while she tried to comprehend how Luke could have come to the conclusion that the only person who could have passed on the story was her.
Not that he’d had the decency to say as much to her face. Instead, he had hightailed it back to Tregally as soon as the morning paper had been delivered and accused her of the awful crime in a letter which five days on she still couldn’t quite believe as he had spewed such venom.
Three words was all he thought she warranted after the night they had spent together. Three words which he had clearly written in a hurry before he thrust the missive at Charity then rode out of Bedford Place moments later. Three paltry words was all it took to completely split her heart in two.
How could you?
NotDid you?
NotCan you think who?
Not even a woundedWhy did you?
In his stubborn, stupid, big cloddish Cornish head, she was automatically guilty before he had even considered any other possible explanation and she was still reeling at the staggering speed at which he had come to that conclusion. Almost as if all the promises they had made to each other suddenly meant nothing and neither did she.
The carriage slowed as it turned into a short drive and she spied her sister and Piers waiting at the end of it. Faith was grinning from ear to ear as her husband helped Hope down and hugged her tight. Then she frowned at the distinct lack of Charity.
‘Is it just you?’
