“Don’t have my phone on me. Just tell me the numbers, I’ll remember them.”
My brows lift slowly. I’m not sure what’s more impressive, leaving the house without a phone, or the ability to remember a random string of ten numbers. I wouldn’t even remember my own mother’s phone number if it were the final question onCash Cab.
I relay my number, Lex magically commits it to memory, and I escape back down the street toward the bus stop.
A wave of giddiness washes over me. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited to go on a date with someone—and I don’t even know who they are yet!
Lex wants to see an awkward date? I’ll give her an awkward date.
chapter six
Never Fake a Laugh or an Orgasm
This guy’s whole personality seems to revolve around the fact that he’s six foot four and has the muscles of someone who’s second job is working out.
I’m probably an outlier in the female dating pool who doesn’t particularly like tall dudes, or lots of muscles, and this guy is the perfect example of why. The whole time we’ve been sitting outside this taco truck eating chips and guac, he’s talked about nothing except his extensive fitness routine that takes two hours to complete. He does not mention his obvious steroid use. I’m regretting my choice for my date already, but with Lex sitting two tables over, peeking over the edge of her fairy book to keep an eye out for evidence of my curse, I force myself to smile and nod as he describes how often married women check him out at the gym.
“I don’t blame them, though. These days it’s rare to find a guy like me, someone who is willing to put in the time and effort to be a real, masculine man. Most guys these days aresuch simps.” Tall & Buff flashes various tattoos as he pulls back the sleeve of his shirt and flexes. “See that? That’s earned, not given.”
“Careful now, you don’t want to be recruited as a guest on Andrew Tate’s podcast,” I say before taking a sip of my soda.
He lowers his flexed arm. “I know he’s an asshole and he’s got a bad rep, but he’s done a lot of good for my self-image. There’s a lot of men out there who didn’t grow up with a dad or have a strong male role model. Like me. I was a weak little wuss for a long time and no women wanted me, and I don’t blame them. Then I got my act together, learned how to be a real man, got to the gym, and started a business and made something of myself. And now look at me.” He flexes again, this time with both arms.
I blink several times, trying to process everything he just said. Is he seriously defending AndrewfuckingTate? I look over Tall & Buff’s shoulder to where Lex is sitting. She gestures at her neck with a slicing motion. But the date’s only just begun, and the curse hasn’t kicked in yet. I can’t give up now.
“Growing up with only one parent is tough,” I agree, trying to push past the sour taste in my mouth. “I didn’t have a dad either. And my mom—yeesh. So, I get it. But there’s way better men out there for you to look up to who aren’t toxic and predatory. I’m sure it can be challenging trying to navigate a world that’s shifting away from the patriarchy, but as a woman I can tell you it’s much more challenging trying to navigatewithinthe patriarchy. And men have just as much to gain by feminism as women do. It’s tempting to—”
Tall & Buff cuts me off. “I’m not saying it’s easy being a woman. Women go through a lot. I respect that.”
Ah, finding common ground. Maybe this guy isn’t as much of an asshole as he lets on. Maybe there’s some depth to him that—
“I mean,” he continues, crunching on a tortilla chip, “if I had to take my tampon out every time I peed, I’d be grumpy, too.”
He’s joking, right? Has to be.I look over to Lex, who isn’t even trying to hide her perplexed expression. “Um...” I lean toward Tall & Buff and lower my voice. “Women don’t need to remove their tampon when they go to the bathroom, unless they need to change it. It’s a separate hole.”
Tall & Buff pauses his chewing, mulls it over, then shakes his head. “You don’t bleed from your butt. The blood comes from your vagina.”
I nod slowly. “Exactly. We don’t pee from our vagina.”
His head tilts. “But you don’t pee from your butt.”
I continue nodding. “There’s a third hole, my friend.”
Tall & Buff’s brow pinches as he ponders this new tidbit of information. Then, he shakes his head dismissively. “No, there’s only two.”
My mouth drops open. Is he seriously arguing with me about my own anatomy? Once more, I look past Tall & Buff to Lex, who has dropped her head in her hands, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter.
“There are three holes,” I say, also trying not to laugh, my voice a little louder than intended. “Trust me. I know.”
“Trustme,” Tall & Buff says, mouth full of semi-masticated chips. “I’ve seen a lot of different ladies, all up close and personal, had my hands and mouth and—you get the picture, I’m a gentleman, I go down there—and there’s only ever been two holes.”
I lean back in my chair to look at Lex, raising my eyebrows as if asking,is this enough evidence of the curse?
She shakes her head, then makes another throat-slice motion before mouthing,nope.
What does she mean, “nope”? This isn’t awkward enough for her?But she’s right; this is barely scratching the surface. If she wantsproof,scientificproof, I have to keep this charade going a little longer. The curse needs more time to kick in, and for that to happen things needs things to escalate. I have to push through.
Clearing my throat, I rest my elbows on the table and flutter my eyelashes at Tall & Buff. “Why don’t we go back to your place so I can prove it, then?” Worst case, I may get laid. God knows it’s been a while.
