He eyes me like I’ve grown a second head. “No.”
“Then water, please.” I step into the open floorplan with stark white walls and black leather furniture, with taxidermy as the only decoration: a ram head on one wall, a few more deer, an antelope, what I’m assuming is a wildebeest, and a beaver posing on a log sitting atop his glass coffee table.
I walk past all of it to his patio door, where I take in an impressive view of the nearby park with the sun casting orange and purple highlights across a semi-clouded sky. Tall & Buff joins me a moment later, passing me a glass of ice water. We clink our glasses together before he swallows his whisky back in one mouthful. I pretend to sip my drink, but don’t; who knows what he put in there. I’m here to prove a point to Lex, not to end up in a freezer.
“Why don’t we get more comfortable? I don’t have Netflix, but we can still chill.” Tall & Buff laughs at his own joke.
I decided long ago to never fake a laugh or an orgasm, so instead I offer a polite smile and say, “Sure.” The leather squeaks as I lower myself onto his couch. I’ve never been a fan of leather couches; my skin sticks to them, they feel weird, they make me sweaty, and they’re not cozy at all. If he expects me to get naked on this thing, he’s in for a surprise.
My phone digs into my butt cheek, so I take it out and set it on the arm of the sofa, careful to keep the screen face down so Tall & Buff doesn’t know there’s a spy listening to our conversation. I set my drink on his coffee table. Tall & Buff reaches for my glass, places a coaster beneath it, and then picks up his remote. He turns on the TV, navigating to his DVD input.
“Ooh, I haven’t watched a DVD in forever. Not since Netflix became a thing,” I say.
“My favourite show isn’t on there,” he explains as he sets it up.
“And what show is—” Before I can finish my sentence, the screen comes to life with the chilling narration of theLaw & Order: SVUintroduction. Is he really suggesting we get down and dirty while watching a show about assault and homicide? While surrounded by decapitated animals? In his unnaturally sterile apartment? Tall & Buff wraps his arm around me right when the endingdun dunpart happens, which startles me so hard I nearly leap off the couch.
“May I use your bathroom?” I ask, my voice several octaves too high.
“Bathroom? Why, you gotta take your tampon out?” He inches closer.
A nervous laugh stumbles out of me as I inch further away. “Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I have to do. But not to pee, because that’s a separate hole, as we discussed.”
“You discussed proving it to me,” he says with a creepy smile.
I move back even further, but my elbow knocks into my phone and it falls to the ground. “Shit.”
“Females who use profanity are a bit off-putting,” Tall & Buff informs me.
“Males who call women ‘females’ are a bit off-putting,” I mutter as I reach for my phone. Lex isn’t on the line anymore. How much has she missed? I turn back to look at Tall & Buff and realize just how much danger I’ve put myself in. And for what? To prove a dumb point to a woman who probably won’t believe the curse even if it put us both in the hospital a second time?
I glance at the TV just as the detectives uncover the victim and begin describing all the wounds, then over to Tall & Buff who seems to be turned on by it, tugging at the tightening of his pants with one hand and reaching for me with the other.
Oh no. Fuck no.This is some serial killer shit. Just as I’m trying to formulate an excuse to leave, including a plan involving fighting my way out using the taxidermized beaver as a weapon, my phone rings. It’s Lex. I’ve never answered a phone so fast in my life. “Hey!”
“I’m waiting outside. Get the fuck out.”
“What?” I say, widening my eyes and feigning panic. “Mom’s had a heart attack! She’s on her way to the hospital?”
Tall & Buff eyes me, suspicious.
“I’m double parked. Just grab your shoes and leave.” Lex means business.
“Oh no! Okay. Calm down. I’ll be right there.” I end the call and quickly move toward the door.
Tall & Buff is right behind me. “Is everything okay?”
“No, it’s not,” I say, shoving my feet into my shoes, not bothering to lace them. “I have to get to the hospital stat. My sister’s freaking out.”
Tall & Buff presses a hand against the door, blocking me in. My eyes travel from his wide hands, to his tattooed forearm thicker than my leg, to the pectorals straining beneath his shirt and, finally, to his eyes, which, are... wet with tears?
“I know what this is.” Tall & Buff’s bottom lip trembles. “Your friend is faking an emergency so you can get out of a date with me.”
“What! No! I... um...” I’m not a good liar.
Tall & Buff pinches the bridge of his nose as the tears begin spilling over. “It’s because I’m not swole enough, isn’t it?”
Now I’m genuinely confused. “You think I’m trying to leave because... your muscles aren’t big enough?”
