“Even more than it being stupid, it’s dangerous,” Lex adds. “People who feel entitled to something are more likely to take it by any means necessary.”
I nod. “You’re totally right. It’s a dangerous world out there.”
“Dating is the most dangerous thing a woman can do.”
“Especially for me.”
“True.” Lex doesn’t even try to argue, and it gives me hope that she’s starting to accept I truly am cursed. I can practically taste the wordsyou were right.
I give her an exaggerated nod. “Which is why I had been avoiding dating. Quick hookups are my thing. Get in, get out, move on.”
Lex eyes her notebook, tapping the pen. “Wait. One thing is missing here.”
I furrow my brow. “What?”
“What about... your first time?” Lex broaches the subject cautiously.
My face gets so hot it stings. “Do you really need that? It was so long ago. How can it be relevant?”
“How could it possiblynotbe relevant?”
My stomach twists. Everything she’s seen so far has been child’s play compared to that first time.
“Hey,” she says, reaching across the table to take my hand. “I promise I won’t judge. But if you don’t want to talk about it now, or ever, that’s okay, too.”
I look into Lex’s eyes, which have softened from their usual piercing state to hold space for me. I know that if I said I didn’t want to talk about it she’d accept that, and probably never bring it up again. I’ve kept this story so close to my chest, burying it in hopes that the pain of that moment would just disappear... but it hasn’t. If there’s anyone in the world who I know I can share it with, who won’t judge or laugh or criticize, it’s Lex. I’ve trusted her with more of myself than I ever have with anyone else. I know I can trust her with this, too.
At least, part of it.
“It was high school. Senior year. I’d gone to the grad partywith the coolest guy in school. He’d never really paid much attention to me until close to graduation. But he needed a date, I was more than available, and at that time in my life I coveted being cool and popular so much I’d have done basically anything to climb the social ladder and feel like I belonged.”
Thinking about it now, it probably had to do with how lonely I was with my mom gone, partying all the time. I no longer had validation from her, so I was seeking it elsewhere.
“I felt so cool with him on the dance floor,” I continue. “During the slow songs he had his hands on my waist, and he twirled me around like a princess, and I thought I’d made it. All the other girls were so jealous. I finally felt like I belonged...”
Lex squeezes my hand. I give her a small smile before continuing. “Afterwards, I joined him and his friends at a house party, the kind I’d always wanted to be invited to but never was. I was anxious and uncomfortable so I drank quite a bit, and I wasn’t much of a drinker so it hit me pretty hard. He asked me if I wanted to go to a bedroom upstairs, and I did. I already mentally prepared to lose my virginity that night, even though we’d only just started dating, because I felt like... who else would take it? He was the coolest guy in school, and he was so hot. I thought maybe if he was my first it would set me up for success later in life.”
I close my eyes and take a breath. Lex says nothing, just holds on to my hand to tell me that she’s here, she’s listening, and it’s all going to be okay.
“We went up to his friend’s room. The music was so loud I could still hear the thudding bass. My head was spinning. He smelled like sweat and Axe body spray. He started kissing me, and he was a sloppy kisser so I felt like my whole face was covered in slobber. He was very handsy—but again, it was my first time, and I didn’t know what to expect. He asked if I wanted to have sex, and I said yes. He had a condom, apparently havingexpected things to take this turn. We got on the bed and I was already naked and... and then it was happening. It was uncomfortable, bordering on painful, but I knew from books that this was what was going to happen so I just gripped the sheets and waited for it to be over. He was on top of me, panting and moving. He didn’t really seem to care who was underneath him.”
Bile rises in my throat. I swallow, taking a moment to let my stomach settle before continuing. Lex is quiet, holding my hand, being patient.
I take a slow, deep breath. “Then he told me to flip over because he wanted to do it ‘doggy style.’ I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t know how to advocate for myself, so I did it even though it made me feel weird.”
“I’m so sorry—”
“Oh wait, it gets worse.” I cut Lex off, knowing that if I don’t use this momentum to keep going I won’t be able to finish the story. “So, we’re doing it and it’s happening and as far as first times go it’s fine. But then the door bursts open.”
Lex gasps, eyes wide.
“And a whole bunch of girls from school were there.”
“No!”
“He was so surprised that he pulled out quickly.”
“What!”
