AH. Right.
Okay, here we go. Follow the awkward, just like Lex told me to. If there’s someone in this world I can trust, it’s her. I open the back door and slide into place, choosing the most awkward seat possible, sitting right in the middle so Lex, Lynn, and I can all make eye contact in the rear-view mirror. If this curse wants to make shit awkward, I’ll make it fucking awkward.
As expected, both Lynn and Lex give me a slightly confused, quizzical look. Lynn’s brown eyes dart from me to Lex, narrowing before looking out the window. Lex doesn’t seem to notice Lynn’s displeasure; the only vibe I can pick up from Lex is relief that I’m safe.
We pull into the quiet street and endure an uncomfortably silent drive back to my place. The entire time I’m still trying to come up with a way to tell Lex how I feel, but now with Lynn here I’m not sure if I should. It’s selfish of me to think of my own wants and throw a wrench into Lex’s exciting new relationship when my feelings for her have come to me as such a sudden realization.
Maybe I should sleep on it. Yes, that’s the responsible thing to do. Sleep on it, and if I’m still feeling the same way in the morning I’ll figure out a way to tell her then. Maybe before I do, I’ll ask her how things are going with Lynn, and if she’s super excited about her relationship I’ll wait it out and see if things change. Then I’ll tell her how I feel when she breaks up with Lynn.Ifthey break up. Am I hoping they break up? Damnit, I’ve known I’m in love with Lex for less than an hour and it’s already turning me into a shitty friend. I should just forget the whole thing and die alone like I’ve come to expect.
“Thanks for the lift,” I say, unbuckling my seat belt the moment Lex slows in front of my place. “Hope I didn’t wreck your date.”
Before she’s come to a full and complete stop I’m hopping out of the car, stumbling onto the sidewalk and racing to the side gate.
The brakes screech as Lex parks crookedly. “Wait!”
Ignoring Lex, I push the gate open and trip-run down the side of the house toward my door. While I fumble in the dark with my keys she catches up to me, stepping close—too close. I can smell her honey shampoo, along with the masculine sandalwood-and-tobacco fragrance she’s started wearing.
The wan light of the dim bulb next to my door casts her in a warm glow, drawing my eyes to the pink flush on her cheeks, how her chest rises and falls with her breath, and how her pretty throat works as she swallows. All I want to do is close the gap between us and kiss her and make all my problems disappear. But I can’t. Because doing that would just create a million more problems.
“What’s wrong?” Lex asks, taking a cautious step forward. There’s no evidence of her dimples right now, just a delicate furrow to her brow, eyes rounded with concern. “What happened back there?”
I bite my lip. Hard. “We can talk about it tomorrow.”Yes. Good. Be a responsible adult.
Lex steps a bit closer, and I respond by taking a step back, my keys tinkling as I hug them to my chest. I can’t be near her right now. Not with how fucking cute she looks in her Carhartt jacket, how her shirt drapes over her breasts and tugs tightly over her belly. I don’t want to know if she’s wearing special panties for her date tonight, if she planned on Lynn seeing them rather than me. Of course she wouldn’t want me to see—I’m her best fucking friend, not her lover.
Lex approaches me an inch at a time with her hands raised, palms in front of her, like I’m a frightened baby bear on the side of the road whose head’s got stuck in a peanut butter jar. “Did Olsen do something? Are you hurt? Did something awkward happen? Whatever it was, he’s really concerned. He called me right away and asked me to check on you. I’m sure we can figure out a way to fix it.”
“I don’t want to fix it.” I look back to my keys and flip through them, finally navigating to the one I need, and wriggle it into the old, sticky lock. I open the door and slip into my entryway, but Lex’s palm keeps the door open.
“It can’t be that bad,” she says, grabbing me by the shoulder and twisting me around to look into her eyes.
Between her cologne, the zing of electricity I feel with her fingers against my skin, and her intense gaze on me, it’s way too much. All I want to do is launch myself at her, to press her against the door, to feel her in my arms and tell her the deepest secrets of my heart. But I can’t, because that would be the end of our friendship. But the end is already here, isn’t it? No matter what I do or say tonight, tomorrow, next week, my feelings for her have changed things between us. I can’t possibly harbour a secret love for her and continue with what we’re doing. I can’t lie to her, or to myself, and pretend that sitting on the couchdrinking wine and watching movies is simply platonic, or that she’s not the best fucking part of my day even with a quick text checking in to see how I’m doing, or looking forward to a simple outing with her more than the most extravagant date any guy could come up with. I close my eyes and let my head drop back to the wall behind me.
“Look, whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” Lex’s voice is soft and soothing, but does nothing to slow my pounding heart. “Tomorrow I’ll come over and we’ll analyze the date and see where things went wrong and try again.”
I don’t want to try again. I’mdonetrying.
“And if Olsen’s not the one for you, then maybe someone else,” Lex continues. “You met lots of cool people on those dates. Cowboy Guy was really nice.”
I wrench away from Lex and cross my arms like a shield over my chest. “No. Definitely not.” The idea of going on a date with anyone other than Lex makes me sick to my stomach.
“Okay, not Cowboy Guy.” She takes a slow step toward me. “Maybe Yoga Guy? What if we—”
“It’s you, Lex!” I blurt before slapping my hands over my mouth.
Lex takes a step back, nearly tripping on my door jamb. Her eyes are wide, lips parted. Neither of us breathe. We don’t move. Then, finally, she manages in a shaky voice, “What do you mean?”
I suck in a sharp, painful inhale. “It’s you. You’re the one who... I...” I can’t bring myself to say the words. Not when I know she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s like ripping my heart out of my chest and throwing it off a fucking cliff into a swamp filled with piranhas.
“Never mind. Lynn’s waiting for you,” I sniff, struggling to maintain some semblance of composure.
But Lex can’t leave it alone. Of course she can’t. I can’t justdrop something like that on her and expect her to shrug it off and walk away and go back to her date.
“She can wait,” Lex says quietly. Her eyes are grey in the dim light, but even still I can feel their intensity piercing deep into my soul and reading me far better than a polygraph ever could. “What do you mean by that? ‘It’s you’? I need you to be very fucking clear right now.”
“We’ll talk about it in the morning.” I try to nudge her out the door, but she doesn’t budge.
“We’ll talk about it now.”
