“Well, you’re right, I definitely want something from you.”
I look up.
Ash presses his lips together with good humor. “Your attention.”
I snort. “Oh, well in that case, please, be interested in me. I’m happy to have my attention on anything else right now.”
“Perfect, I’ve been waiting for an excuse.” Ash pretends to settle in. It’s so theatrical, almost goofy—he never gets thisplayful around other people. “You know how graceful you are when you run? You probably don’t, so let me tell you. I don’t want to be one of those guys who compares women to each other, but if those other girls are gazelles, you’re the lion. Yeah, maybe they can usually outrun you, but youlooklike you were made to take people down. It’s awesome. I was made for soccer, footwork and all that, but you should be playing rugby. God, it would be hot.”
I laugh full-out. For as often as I’ve imagined myself a hunter, I never imagined it would feel so good to have someone else say the same thing.
“You should have seen the face of the girl who came in second in the 800,” I say. “She looked like I stole something from her.”
“Good,” Ash says. “Teach the rest of them some humility. You destroyed them in the relay too, for what it’s worth. I know... I know it wasn’t the same, without Alissa there.”
And like that, I’m back to earth. “She left me a note, you know. A riddle.”
“A riddle?”
“Yeah. It was with the Children of Hypnos books, so I think it was supposed to be a riddle. I think she expected to be here when I got it, to be able to help me. Summer 2017, Chilly Chicken, pop the top. Mean anything to you?”
“No. Sorry.”
I sigh. “That’s okay.”
He kisses the side of my head.
“School on Monday is going to be awful,” I say.
He squeezes. “I bet no one says a thing. I bet no one even looks at you.”
What a world that would be. “Are they all still outside the door?”
“Nope. Your mom was talking to Deemer at the end of the hallway. You want me to check?”
“Would you?”
He shifts to his feet, turns the lock, and cracks the door to stick his head outside. “Nobody,” he says, settling beside me again. “You could go out on the parking lot side, if you want. I can be your lookout.”
Not a bad idea. I text my mom to let her know that I’m going to the parking lot, and then Ash and I head out. It feels like a secret mission, creeping through the dim hallways to get outside without anyone seeing me. It’s almost fun. How is it that I felt so awful not even twenty minutes ago? I felt like a whole different person.
Since Alissa died, I’ve been a different person. Sometimes I’m all rage and wrath. Sometimes inescapable crushing sadness. Sometimes, with Ash, I’m content. Sometimes, I am Ravenweal.
The old me resurfaces only in glimmers. She’s a fading memory.
I don’t know if she’ll ever fully come back.
Chapter 13
“You’re really tearing through those,” says the receptionist when I go back for my second therapy appointment. I have the fourth CoH book under my arm.
“I think I’m understanding more why Wes is your favorite character,” I say. She smiles, clearly pleased that I remembered. It’s easy to talk to her about this. “All the odds are stacked against him, but he still does his best. And the odds get higher and higher and he keeps dealing with them, even when Emery and everyone else think it’s all over. But what happened to him at the end of the third book...”
She nods. “Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we still get fucked.”
I bark a laugh.
“But,” she goes on, “you’re still on the fourth book. That one really highlights why he’s my favorite.”
