“Tilly, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry…” I will my voice to come out stronger, more confident when I next speak. It’ll be too easy to back down if I don’t. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay. Should I be sitting down?” He’s half-joking, trying to ease the tension no doubt, but I wish he wouldn’t. I don’t need him to remind me how caring and considerate he is.
I don’t respond but take his hand and guide him back to the stools by his kitchen island. As we sit, he keeps my hand in his and strokes it with his thumb, while I take a fortifying breath before continuing.
“I love you. I didn’t even realise it was possible to love someone this much until you. And I didn’t realise it was possible to be loved this much until you.”
Connor brings my hands up to his lips and kisses the back of each one tenderly. Selfishly, I let him.
“You’ve loved me so well that I’ve started to realise I am worth loving, and I will always be grateful to you for that. Your love has saved me.”
“I’ll always be here to save you,” Connor says thickly, thumbs still gently stroking my hands.
My stomach drops. “I think that’s the problem,” I say quietly. “I’m totally dependent on you for everything. You’re always right there, ready to catch me when I fall, and I love that, I really do! But that’s not a healthy dynamic for any couple.”
Connor’s thumbs still. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…” I take a shaky breath and gently pull my hands away from Connor and place them on my lap. “I’m saying I need to work on myself, but I need to do it for me, not for anyone else. And I think I need to do it alone.”
It’s too painful to look directly at him, so I look down at my hands instead, nervously picking the pink polish off my nails.But even without looking at him, I can feel Connor’s expression. Seconds tick by slowly while I let him absorb everything I’ve just said.
“I understand,” he finally says.
I look up in surprise when I register his calm tone. “You do?” I hadn’t planned for this and find myself unsure of how to react to his reaction.
“I do,” he says with a sigh. “You need time to get yourself to a place where you are happy, and you want to do it on your own. I agree, you should be doing this for yourself, no one else.”
I nod. “Exactly.”
“So, what are you proposing? A couple of weeks away at a wellness retreat or something? I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard to be apart from you for that long, but if it’s what you need, I am totally on board.”
Ah, shit.
“No, not exactly… I think it’s going to take more than a couple of weeks.”
“Okay, whatever you need, Tilly. Three weeks?” There’s a hint of desperation in his voice now. He knows where this is heading.
“I don’t know exactly. It could be months…”
“Then we’ll make it work.”
“Connor, listen to me…”
“I’ll wait for you.” Connor’s jaw clenches, either in determination or in an attempt not to let his emotions get the better of him, I’m not sure which. “Please, let me wait for you.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. It wouldn’t be fair.” Tears line my eyes once again.
“I don’t want to be without you, Matilda. You can have as much time and space as you need, just don’t put an end to us.”
“It’s the right thing to do. For both of us.”
It’s true. As gut-wrenching as this is, it’s for the best.
When Connor replies, his voice is soft, defeated. “If it’s the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?”
“The right things aren’t always easy. I’ll get a hotel room until I can sort myself out with my own place.”
