Out of everything going through my head right now, that thought cuts deeper than them all.
I figure the best way to go about this would be to make it look like an accident. If I walk into traffic or step from an overpass it’ll look like I’ve been drunk and staggered the wrong way. At least this way the people in my life won’t feel guilty about not being able to stop me, which wouldn’t be the case if I took pills or cut myself.
Pulling myself up from the wall, I straighten my dress and wipe the tears from my eyes. There’s no need to cry anymore. This is the right thing for everyone. I’m finally doing something right.
I take off Violet’s shoes and hold them to me, then place them on the floor next to the outer wall of the heaving pub. I wouldn’t want to ruin them. The tarmac is rough under my feet, and I relish the bite of pain it causes. Then I walk away from the blaring music of the bars, towards the main roads. At this time of night, the roads will be quiet bar a few lorries which will be big enough to withstand the impact of evenmybody. The driver won’t be hurt. If I’m lucky, they’ll just think they hit a large animal and keep going.
I walk along the lonely path, not feeling the cold, my critical voice reminding me that this is the right thing to do.I’m useless. Worthless. A burden to anyone who knows me. I fuck everything up, every time. I have never, and will never, truly be loved because I don’t deserve it.
I reach the end of the path, where it reaches the road. I take several deep breaths, building up the courage to do what has to be done. The tears start to fall again, and the noise in my head gets deafeningly loud, interrupted only by the roar of an engine in the distance. Headlights approach from the right. This is it. Isob, willing my leg to move and step out onto the road. Just as I feel my shaking foot leave the ground, I hear a familiar male voice behind me.
“Matilda? What are you doing?”
The voice breaks the spell I’d put on myself, and I turn around. I feel a rush of air against my back as the lorry that could have sealed my fate passes by. I look up at the man standing a pace away from me, worry evident in his blue eyes.
Chapter 15
I haven’t moved on
“Where are your shoes?” Rhys asks. He keeps a respectful distance away from me, clearly worried that I might step back if he gets too close. He’s not wrong.
“I took them off.”
“I see.” He looks me up and down and pulls in a breath.
It’s been weeks since I last saw Rhys, so it’s strange to see him standing in front of me now. He looks the same as I remember, same carefully gelled hair, same clean-shaven face, but the dark circles under his eyes are new. He looks handsome in his shirt and jeans, even if they are a bit more rumpled than usual. It’s easy to remember why I loved him.
“Why are you out here?” he asks softly.
“Why are you?”
“I followed you. Not in a creepy stalker way,” he adds, seeing the worry on my face. “I was in the karaoke bar, and I saw you leave on your own. I didn’t think you’d want to see me after what I did, but I was worried about you, so I followed you and kept mydistance. Why are you out here?”
“I needed some fresh air.”
“Next to the main road? Without your shoes?”
“You don’t have to stay out here with me. You can go back to… whoever you’re here with.”
Oh, God, was he supposed to be on a date right now? Even after us breaking up, I’m ruining things for him.
“I’m just here with a couple of mates, it’s fine. And, just so you know, I haven’t been with another woman since we broke up.”
“Oh, why not?” I assumed Rhys would take the opportunity to sleep with as many women as he could now that he wasn’t tethered to me. “You had no problem beingwithother women while you were stillwithme, what changed?”
“I fucked up, Matilda. I fucked up so hard. I hurt you and ruined what we had, which, looking back, was actually pretty damn perfect. I just can’t picture myself with anyone other than you. I can’t get you out of my head. I miss you, and considering you’re still wearing your rings, I think you miss me too.”
I look down at my hand, remembering the moment Rhys proposed, then look up at the man himself, standing before me with his hand stretched out for mine.
“Let’s go somewhere quiet where we can talk. Maybe get you a cup of tea? And some shoes?”
Despite everything that has happened between us, it’s comforting having Rhys with me. And a cup of tea sounds perfect.
“Okay.” I reach out my hand for his and he pulls me close to him. I find myself suddenly cocooned in his arms and I break down again, crying into his chest just as I’ve done a million times, only this time he doesn’t make a fuss about my make-up ruining his shirt.
“Shh,” Rhys coos. “It’s okay, I’m going to look after you.” Hekisses the top of my head affectionately, then pulls back to look at my face. “I still love you, Mat. I love you so fucking much. I’m not going to mess this up again.”
I’m so numb I barely take in his words. I just stare ahead as he puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me back down the path and away from the road.
