During one of my restless naps in the hospital bed, Connor had used my phone to call Rhys and let him know he knew about the steroids he had been using and supplying illegally to his clients. I don’t know how he found out about it, when even I didn’t know, but I haven’t asked. I don’t want to know. I’d like to say I was surprised, but all the signs were there when I think back. Connor threatened to go to the police himself if Rhys ever contacted me again, and it worked, so that’s good enough for me.
My only experience with personal trainers was Rhys, and that didn’t turn out brilliantly, so I’m a bit wary of Connor’s suggestion. On the other hand, going it alone will only result in me falling back into old habits, and the cycle will start all over again.
“Okay. I’ll look into some. But I want a woman this time.”
Connor nods. “Understandable. I’m so proud of you, Til.”
He hugs me tighter and I snuggle into him, despite the glorious sunshine warming my skin.
“I’m proud of me too.”
And I think, for the first time in a long time, I kind of mean it.
Chapter 41
Doing this for yourself
I’ve been sitting in my car for thirty minutes now. My appointment isn’t for another ten, which means I have eight minutes to get my shit together and two minutes to walk into the building. It’s a good thing I thought to come here early so I had time to get my panic attack out of the way on my own, rather than in front of loads of other people. I’ve already humiliated myself in one gym, I’m looking for a fresh start in this one.
I take a few deep breaths and spray some water onto my windscreen so I can watch it drip down the window. I’ve found having something to focus on helps to relieve my anxiety, so I choose a water droplet and watch it trace its way down the glass until it meets a second drop and they combine, continuing their path down. Once it reaches the bottom, I choose another and repeat. It helps a little. I can breathe now at least, but my heart is still racing with nerves.
I reach for my phone to check the time and realise I have a message from Connor.
Connor
Stop panicking in your car and go in. You can do this. I’m so proud of you.
I roll my eyes at his assumption that I’m still in my car, even though I am, and put my phone in my pocket. I’ll reply later to tell him how it goes.
“Let’s do this,” I say to myself in the rear-view mirror.
As I walk across the carpark, my legs feel like jelly.
Not a good start, you haven’t even done anything yet.
I straighten my hoodie and tighten my ponytail, feeling the need to make a good impression on the trainer I have an appointment with. With a final deep breath, I reach for the glass doors and walk through.
The entrance to the gym is open and, to my great surprise, fairly welcoming. There are no intimidating pictures on the walls, just a few schedules and class timetables. There’s a vending machine selling protein bars and a water fountain next to the reception desk, where a woman in a comfy-looking sweatsuit is typing on a laptop. Next to the desk are the turnstiles leading to the main gym floor, all of which have a small glowing red pad on the top.
“Can I help you?” the woman behind the desk calls.
I look over, and relax when I see her friendly smile aimed in my direction.
“Erm, hi.” I try to reciprocate her smile, but I’m still nervous, so it looks more like I have wind than anything. “I’m here to meet Natalie for a consultation.”
“Okey dokey.” She cheerfully taps some keys on her laptop. “Matilda Simmons?”
“That’s me.” I pull my arms further into my oversized sleeves and find my foot tapping agitatedly on the floor.
“Great! It looks like you filled everything out online,” shesays, looking at her screen. “So, all that’s left to do now is scan your thumbprint and you’re good to go.”
She holds out a scanner, and I press my thumb on the pad, worrying slightly that my nervous shaking will cause the print to end up unrecognisable. Luckily it works out, and I’m guided through the turnstiles to meet my trainer for the first time.
There’s no one on the other side that looks like the pictures I found of Natalie online, so I take a minute to compose myself and look around. The entire gym floor is full of machines and people milling about from one to the other, some lifting weights and training while others sip water and chat. And it’s then that I realise that everyone in here, every last person seems…normal. There are people of all different ages, sizes, shapes and, presumably, backgrounds, all here to work on bettering themselves in some way. There’s still a fair amount of very fit, toned people walking around in tiny workout gear that seems to be more for style than function, but it’s balanced out with regular people just doing their best.
After that realisation hits me, I take a closer look at some of the people working out closest to me for any sign of them watching others and judging, laughing, criticising. But they don’t. Everyone is so occupied by their own routine, they barely notice anything going on around them.
Maybe this isn’t going to be the battle I prepared for. And it makes me wonder if the other gym was as awful as I’d thought, or did I project my own fears and insecurities on the place?
