“I mean, you’ve slept with people, and it never seemed like a big deal to you.”
My mouth dropped open. “I have done you a disservice then, and I apologize. Lilli, it’s always a big deal to me when I have sex with someone. I didn’t talk about it too much because I knew you were a virgin and I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
Lilli and I held eye contact for a moment before we started laughing. “I thought there was something wrong with me this whole time because I was freaking out, and I was trying to be chill!”
We eventually migrated over to her car and drove over to the university campus, where there were some musician workshops happening.
“So, how was it?” I asked.
“Well, thankfully, Chris is as much of a top as she seems. The stereotype was right this time. Butch women are tops. She’s also kind of a dom, if that makes sense?”
“Kinky,” I teased.
“No, literally. Like, ropes and stuff.”
“Were you okay with that?” I asked, concerned my friend was pushed into something she wasn’t ready for.
“Yeah, actually. I was so nervous, I kind of liked being restrained. If I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do something wrong.”
That made me laugh so hard, I started crying, and Lilli blushed harder.
“I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not! It’s just not my typical M.O., if you know what I mean.”
“Do you mean the ropes, or the not moving part?” Lilli asked, actually looking for clarification.
“I mean being a bottom, I guess. I like being in charge.”
She nodded. “Well, that makes sense, but maybe that’s just because you have more experience. You know what you like and how to ask for it.”
I shrugged.
“Have you and Eric gotten physical at all?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “We haven’t even gone to a bedroom. We haven’t kissed. I don’t think either of us were looking for a hook up or anything, so it’s just been nice getting to know each other. And you know I’m doing a year of abstinence. Once I’m clean from self-harm for a year, then I can open myself up to that again.”
“You’re close though, right? It’s been almost a year.”
“Two months to go.”
Lilli was quiet for a moment, the only sounds the hum of the car and the blast of the air conditioner trying its best.
“I’m not trying to trigger you, so if you don’t want to talk about it, just tell me to shut up.” She tentatively looked over at me, and I waited for her to continue. “Why are you abstaining from sex as part of your recovery from cutting?”
I let out a breath, collecting my thoughts. I hadn’t really talked to anyone about it, not even my therapist. “I mean, sex is great. I just, I had gotten into the habit of making myself feel like shit for it. I would sleep with people just so I could use it as cannon fodder against myself, which would drive me to cut again. It became part of the cycle, and I want to get back to a place where I have sex with someone because I like them and want to feel good.”
“Oh, I didn't know.” Lily looked at me at a loss for words. “I'm sorry I asked.”
The majority of the day was spent at workshops, including a tour of a recording studio. Lily and I sat between two other people while the person in charge of the tour spoke about the different machines and sound boards . W e even got to go back and try out the recording studio, just to know what it felt like.
When I stood behind that microphone, I felt the rest of the world slip away. I knew there was going to be a whole roomful of people on the other side of the glass looking at me, but it didn't matter. I felt in my bones the certainty that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to make music. I wanted to sing my songs to crowds of people who connected to the lyrics. I wanted to write songs for the people who needed a way to express themselves but didn't have the words for it. I wanted to help people articulate complicated feelings and find catharsis.
Those feelings and that instinct I had, the desire I felt, was multiplied when I checked my e-mail as I got back into Lilli’s Buick.
“Holy shit,” I said, slapping her lightly but repetitively on the arm. “Lilli, we made it.”
