In my e-mail sat an unopened message from the festival. All I could see at that point was the subject line, which read, “Congratulations, you've made it to the finals!”
I opened it and looked at the rehearsal blocks—we were set to have rehearsal that evening.
Lilli and I each texted Chris and Eric the good news, and Lilli came back with an…interesting proposal.
“Okay, Connie, I need you to have an open mind.”
I put my phone down because it sounded serious,. Lilli had a look in her eye that could have either been delusion or excitement.
“What if we moved to New York next year?”
Okay, delusional. “Why would we do that? There are so many recording studios in California with the record labels we want to sign with.”
“But there are also studios for the same labels in New York,” Lilli said, if we were already in negotiations.
“Why would we move to New York exactly?”
Lilli spoke softly, like in a game. “Chris is going to an acting program there?” She wanted that to be a good enough reason for me, and she phrased it like a question because she knew it wouldn’t be.
“Lesbians moving in together right away is just a stereotype, Lilli. You don’t have to make it a reality.”
“But I like her a lot.”
“Did she ask you to move out there already? Do you think it’s that serious?”
Lilli shrugged. “She didn’t really invite me in a formal way, just kind of casually started talking about us living there together."
"Together? Me, you, and Chris?”
“Well, mostly just me and her, but I won’t go without you. We’re bandmates.”
“I don’t know,” I said. How could I respond to that? I’d either be denying her happiness with a partner she seems to really like and trust, or I would be robbing myself by giving in to an arrangement I didn’t want.
“Just think about it. It’s months away.”
15 – Connie – Now
Lilli is riding the wave of post-performance bliss, a great show leaving her inflated like a helium balloon.
“I’m so ready for sleep,” she says in the silence of the car. Ash is in the passenger seat while Eric drives, Lilli and I in the back. “And a bath!” She practically moans at the thought. “I have some of that champagne you bought yesterday, Connie, and my favorite podcast uploaded a new episode. Hot girl bath is calling my name.”
I nod and try to be engaged, but Eric and I make eye contact in the rearview as we pass through the beam of a streetlamp. Lilli isn’t the only one riding the adrenaline of tonight’s events. That kiss…it changed something in me. I want this man like I’ve never wanted anyone before. I think he can tell, too, because I feel the car go a little bit faster.
“Which podcast is this?” Ash asks. “We’ve talked about so many, it’s hard to keep track.” His joke flies past me, and I fail to get myself to pay attention. I’m looking out the window, praying for green lights all the way back to the hotel.
Lilli and Ash keep talking, and I think she knows something is up, because as we park, she catches my eye and gives me a questioning look and a thumbs up.
I nod, and she’s clearly not convinced, but she lets it go. We climb out of the car, and it’s a quiet elevator ride to our floor. The space between Eric and I is so charged, it’s a miracle my hair isn’t flying up from the static.
Ash and Lilli get into their rooms after brief good nights, and I turn to mine. I’m mentally preparing to open the connecting door and let Eric in from his room when, right before my door closes behind me, his hand pushes it back open.
Eric lifts me up, and I wrap my legs around his hips on instinct. His arms around me feel sure and strong. Unwavering. Through the curtain of my hair, I see the hotel door close. He breathes me in, and something about him savoring the scent of my shampoo stirs a primal ache in me. I scrape my teeth along a small portion of his neck and suck the skin into my mouth before leaving it with a kiss, and he groans in response. He wants me, but I already know that. There's a difference between knowing something and feeling it. I can feel his want now in his pause.
“Trust me?” he asks, and I hum in agreement as I feel him adjust his arms. I unwrap my legs, and they drop to the floor as his kind eyes look at me the same way they did in another time, in another place, lying on a mattress across from each other on the night I pushed him away.
Looking at me like I'm the fucking Milky Way. I wanted him then too, but this time, I don’t want to wait.
I take his hand and lead him to the bed, turning so that I’m standing with my back to the bed, just in front of the little ottoman that doubles as a footboard of sorts.
