When I went back inside, Nikki grabbed a cleaning kit and said, “I’ve got to go clean out the bathroom.” She walked away without eye contact or even a glance at me.
After work, I had planned to stay late since Nikki had to fill out the manager binder, but instead she was standing by the door. “I think you should go home,” Nikki said. “I need to focus on work. And you should maybe write or something tonight.”
“Oh, okay. Do you want to come by after?”
Nikki rubbed her neck with her hand. “Maeda, I think I need a break for a little bit. I’ll check in with you maybe tomorrow.”
I felt like the ground under me disappeared. “What do you mean?”
“I saw you.” Nikki’s face was pained. “I saw you and Tristan hugging. I know you don’t owe me anything, but it really sucked.”
“That wasn’t… Nikki, it wasn’t like that.”
“I don’t know if I believe you, Mae. You tell me that you want to keep him from bugging you, and I don’t deserve to be the fodder for your revenge against Tristan. I told you that this wasn’t pretend for me anymore.”
I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. My throat was dry. “I want you in my life, Nikki. You.”
I couldn’t help but hear the echo of Tristan asking me to come back.
“How do I know that? Maybe you’re just trying to explore your sexuality. Maybe this is a big experiment for you because every time I get vulnerable, I find you back in his arms. I need you to be done with him.”
“He’s Dolly’s father. He will always be around, but that doesn’t mean I have any desire for him at all,” I pleaded, and I hated myself for it. When had I become someone who begged? Isn’t that why I left Tristan too? I was tired of begging to be cared for. Nikki had never made me beg before.
“Maybe that’s your justification for it, but,dolci, you have to understand.” She let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders dropping.With defeat, she softly said, “I deserve to be pursued in equal measure to the love I give out.”
“I can’t promise anything long-term right now, I’m trying to stay standing on my own two feet. I have to take care of myself and Dolly, and that’s all I can manage right now.” My head was spinning.
“You don’t have to do it on your own!”
I took a step back, wiped my tears away, and straightened my spine. “You want to shut me out? Fine, but I don’t need you to play the hero.” But inside, I was screaming,Just love me, I’m at the end of my rope with nowhere to land.
“Mae,” Nikki started, as if I had hurt her all over again.
It would keep happening, I realized. Tristan would always be in my life and it would always hurt Nikki. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t deserve her. So I decided that she would be better off without me. “If I let you save me, then I will be dependent on you,” I said, my voice cracking with the welling emotion coating my throat, “I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall into that trap again.”
Nikki looked angry; a look I had never seen in her eyes before. It killed me. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to feel trapped.” The air was holding its breath. The only sound in the room was the slow ticking of an analog clock. It was a moment before Nikki spoke again, her words firm and final. “You don’t have to worry about our arrangement anymore. Clearly it was never real anyway.”
“Nikki,” I said, but she had already closed the door. I watched her through the glass as she walked back toward the office and out of sight. What could I even say? I wanted her to fight for me, but maybe I had pushed too hard.
I had always been the one to walk away before getting left behind. Turned out, I had the right idea. Being the one left standing sucked.
Chapter Fourteen
Nikki
I ended up sleeping in the office that night. We were broken up. We weren’t even really dating, and I was destroyed. I thought it would be better to stop pretending. I just thought that would have meant we would be together for real. I had a message on my phone from a realtor asking if I was still interested in a house I had toured.
Was I? Could I live in a house I had envisioned a family in even without the family? Should I just stay in my studio loft apartment? I couldn’t even go back there without the thought ofher in my bed, on my kitchen floor. It was as if everything she touched turned into a memory.
I was brewing myself a coffee in the Lucky Lanes’ kitchen when Mike walked in.
“Ah, starting the morning early,” he said in that old man way. “You know, the early bird gets the worm, but the night owl gets the field mouse.” He laughed at his own joke. “Come sit with me, girl.”
I brought us each a cup of coffee and sat down, wondering if I looked as bad as I felt.
“So, I’ve heard some things, and I think you’re finally ready.”
“What kind of things?” I asked hesitantly.
