‘Lilly!’ This time it was a different and far more endearing voice that called through the letterbox.
Quickly she sniffed away her distress, wiped her eyes on the hem of her skirt and rushed to the door to find Apollo and Clodagh.
‘Mum said we could come and see you!’ He raced in and ran around the hall, his very presence a tonic that could lift the most melancholic of moments.
‘I should warn you, we are full of beans tonight!’ Clodagh, who already looked a little tired, pulled a face. ‘He wanted to come and see you, but if you’re busy ...’
‘Never too busy, darling.’ She ushered the young woman in. ‘Just making tea!’
‘I think I sensed it, heard the kettle boiling from the road.’ Clodagh took off her coat and laid it on the floor, placing her bag on it. ‘Are you okay, Lilly?’
Lilly knew her face no doubt carried evidence of her tears.
‘I am fine! Nothing a good strong cuppa can’t cure!’
Clodagh seemed to take her cue and smiled tightly. ‘How was your day?’
‘Oh, a bit of a dud. I didn’t get much painting done, Glenda distracted me with a bonkers scheme that fell flat on its face, and it’s all passed in a flash!’
‘Can I watch TV?’ Apollo jumped up and down on the spot.
‘Is that okay?’ Clodagh asked.
‘Of course! But I only have the regular channels, nothing fancy or extra.’
‘That’s all we have,’ Clodagh reminded her. ‘I think the more there is to watch, the more he’d want to watch, and I try and keep him away from it if I can help it.’
‘Quite right too.’ Lilly popped the TV on and watched Apollo kick off his shoes with the Velcro fastening, revealing his odd socks, one stripey, one with spots, before sinking back into her velvet beaded cushions and popping his finger into his mouth. Clodagh was in the kitchen and had already fetched the mugs. She liked the ease of the woman in her home, actions that went beyond friendship and spoke of a closeness that verged on family. Those darned tears threatened again; she was aware that losing Waide House meant she would lose all of this too. ‘Apollo asked me this morning how he would find his way back here if he needed to once you’ve moved. He also said’ – she kept her voice low and leaned in – ‘that he’d like to go back to the house his dad lived in as he’s left some of his favourite cars there.’
‘Oh.’ Clodagh laid her arms and head on the countertop as if weakened by the topic. ‘The reason I don’t talk about it, Lilly, is because I’m embarrassed. No, worse than that, I’m ashamed.’
‘Shame is a hard one to wash off the skin.’ This much she did know. ‘It’s your life, your history, and is no one’s business but your own. I didn’t raise the subject to pry or to get you to open up. You don’t have to share your past with me or anyone else, Clodagh, not ever. But know that if you do need someone to talk to, this is a no-judgement zone. We all have our secrets to bear.’
I’m sorry ... I am so sorry ... We were not meant to be, you and I ...
And then the lights faded, and the voice echoed,
That’s a good girl, count backwards from ten for me ...
And then . . . nothing.
‘I was kind of, kind of, lied to. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.’
‘You won’t be the first or the last.’ This, too, she knew to be true.
‘I worked with him, Apollo’s dad.’
‘At the sports shop?’
‘Yep.’ Clodagh straightened. ‘He was my section manager, nice-looking, nice to me, nice to everyone, really. He was my first proper boyfriend, and I was just’ – she blew out through bloated cheeks – ‘I was like obsessed! Completely obsessed, convinced there’d never been a love like it. He lived with his parents and so we’d go to mine or go out and he was with me all of the time, likeallof the time. I loved it. When I got pregnant it was just a lovely thing. A lovely, unplanned thing, but I was happy, we were happy.’
‘And what a joy he is!’ They listened to the sound of Apollo roaring his laughter from the sofa at something on TV. Lilly, even at her age, felt the twinge of loss in her breast – a child’s laughter, something that was never going to fill this flat after she moved out, this flat that Portland and Montague wanted to reduce to rubble.
‘He is, he’s everything. Sab moved in with us – that’s his name. And I’ve never been happier. We were in this bubble, the three of us. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and feel this kind of panic, because it was too perfect. I had it all – this man I adored, our beautiful baby asleep in the crib next to us, and a little flat that felt like home because we were in it, a proper family. Truth is, I felt a bit smug, knowing I was already doing better than my mum ever did. There was no chance of me going clubbing or on holiday with a stranger – nothing like that. I just wanted to be at home, with Sab and our baby. I remember feeling so content. It was perfect.’
Lilly smiled; it sounded lovely, idyllic, and she remembered waking up in a bed in Chelsea with a similar glow of contentment, wanting nothing more, not ever ...
‘Then one day’ – Clodagh paused; her mouth had gone a little dry – ‘Sab was at work and there was a knock on the door and this woman was standing there, his fiancée, and she was beautiful andsmart and—’ She caught her breath as if even the memory of it was shocking. ‘She told me their wedding was booked, planned, a big affair, and that she’d followed him to the flat, had her suspicions, apparently.’
