Four minutes now. As wonderful as he had the capacity to make her feel, he could not change that. “What if it’s positive,” Rose said.
“We’ll do whatever you want, Rose.”
“What doyouwant?”
She felt his hands go slack before resuming their motion. “It doesn’t really matter what I want.”
Rose was just being masochistic now. “I want to know.”
He sighed. “I have the best life imaginable. I’m so lucky I have to remind myself to tone it down in public. Really, my friends are so sick of me. This is all I need—you are all I ever need.”
“But what do youwant?”
Three minutes. The question bordered on cruel, Rose knew that. So why couldn’t she stop?
Landon placed a wet hand on her forehead and leaned in, his voice a near whisper. “If you wanted to have a baby, I—” His voice wavered. “I would be the luckiest man in the universe. To have a baby with you.”
“Have you always wanted that?”
“I’ve always wantedyou.”
“What if you weren’t with me?”
Landon laughed, but his heart wasn’t in it. “I reject the premise of the question.”
Two minutes. Rose sighed and dropped her body lower so her chin hovered just above the water. “I don’t know what I want,” she said, finally.
“Well that’s…” Landon fumbled for the word. “New.”
“All day,” Rose said. “I’ve been going over and over it in my head all day. I hate my job—I fucking hate my job, you know that. But that’s not why this scares me so much. Having a kid before I have everything figured out, I mean, whodoeshave everything figured out?”
“No one,” he said.
“Right.”
“You don’t need a reason.”
For a moment, Rose was back in her childhood bed, lying next to this man she loved so much, in awe of the way he shone light on the darkest parts of her. “It’s the same reason,” she said. “It’s always been the same reason. It just feels… different now.”
“Yeah?” he asked.
“I think it’s the estrangement, maybe?” Rose said. “I don’t think about my mom as much. Sometimes it’s like she’s not even there. Like she never existed. It’s sad, but it’s good. Great, even. And today, for a second, I thought…” She paused, considering whether to give the words voice. “I thought maybe…”
One minute. “You would be an amazing mother,” Landon said, making the decision for her, “if you want to be.”
Rose suddenly felt very small. “It scares me.”
“Me too.”
There was more to say—so much more—but neither of them would find the words until they knew for sure. They settled into a tense silence, the only sounds the gentle lapping of the water against the sides of the tub. When the timer went off with birdsongand crickets, Rose lurched forward. “My hands are shaking,” she said. “Oh my God, I can’t stop shaking.”
“Do you want me to look?”
Rose gripped the sides of the tub. “Yeah. Yes. Oh God.”
“Hey,” Landon said, finding her hands and giving them a tight squeeze. “We’ve got this, okay? No matter what.”
“Yeah,” she said, barely able to breathe.
