“I’m pretty well versed on the making.” She smiled and pulled one of his hands off her breast, trailing it down her slick stomach.
“I think it would be hard,” he said. “Sleepless nights and all that. And scary. I mean, they’re so small and helpless, and the first few years seem like a struggle to just keep them alive. But God, would it be fun. We’d get to see the world again with fresh eyes. We’d go on camping trips, and take them to all the bestnational parks, and in the summer we’ll spend time on the beach with my parents, and take them to that little mini golf place we always wanted to try, and you can help them with their English homework while I struggle through calculus.” Rose wasn’t sure if Landon realized his language had shifted from speculation to anticipation, or if he was aware he’d referred to two children in this hypothetical scenario. “But none of that gets at the why of it all,” he continued. “You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. And maybe it’s selfish—it’s probably selfish—but I want the world to have moreyouin it. A little person who is half you, half raised by you.”
Rose moved his hand lower, past her belly button, down between where her thighs met, and pressed his fingers into her. “I might want to try,” she said.
“You might?” His fingertips strummed her smooth skin, sending shivers through her.
“I might.” She reached a hand back for his hair. “We should practice tonight.”
He moved his fingers faster, then slower, then faster, playing with her breath. “I’ll practice with you until the end of the world.”
The moment before release, Rose wondered whether she would always have to lose the thing she wanted most to find out she had wanted it at all.
The day the test flashed with two lines, one faint and one thick and clear, Rose had an incredible sense of knowing, something like a premonition: a vision of a full life, rich with everything she’d ever wanted.
That knowing coincided with the very first news coverage of a new drug. The recently divorced wife of an Italian billionaireconsented to an interview with BBC News, which soon got picked up by outlets worldwide and aired on Rose and Landon’s flatscreen television in the basement, where they’d curled up on the sofa, Landon’s hand already draped protectively over Rose’s still-flat stomach. The woman’s statement boiled down to this: “I feel unbridled optimism for the future. I feel the possibilities are endless.”
Rose placed one hand over Landon’s and smiled. Because in that moment, she felt the same way.
Chapter Nineteen
Landon and Dave were two pints in when Conor’s name flickered across the screen of Landon’s phone.
“Leave it,” Dave said. It was possible Dave was more than two pints in—Landon hadn’t so much met him asfoundhim at the bar, pupils already wide and eyes glazed. “I want you to teach me how to play five card hold’em.”
“It’ll be Texas hold’em or five card draw,” Landon muttered. “Watch my beer?”
“I’ll watchyourbeer,” Dave yelled, clearly meaning to threaten Landon but pacifying him instead.
Landon took one last sip of the beer he’d dubbed the “drown your sorrows stout” and retreated from the crowded hostel bar into the night.
“Conor?” he asked, as though he had no idea why on earth his friend might be calling.
“Did I catch you at a good time?” His tone had a bite that made Landon feel awkward, like he’d been caught with one hand in the cookie jar.
“I mean, I was just hanging out with my new friend Dave—”
“Why onearthare you making friends over there?”
There was the snark Landon had been expecting. “So you’re, what, calling to talk me out of it? Is that what this is?”
Conor sighed. “I know better than to try to talk you out of anything. Honestly, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” The sun had set hours ago, and it was cold enough outside that Landon regretted not grabbing his jacket.
“Landon.” He said his name like a plea. “I’m trying very hard not to make this about me, but honestly, I’m the one who’s had a front row seat to your self-destruction this last year. You could at least cut the bullshit and admit you understand why I’m worried about you.”
Landon kicked the already scuffed front of his sneaker up against the curb hard enough that his toe jingled with pain. “I admit I understand why you’re worried about me,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Thank you. Now, can we please be serious? When are you coming home?”
“I can legally stay in the country for six months, but after that, I was thinking I would probably go somewhere in Europe while I wait for my next visa to be approved. It feels a little extravagant to fly so far only to come right back.”
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not,” Landon said. “I love her.”
“Youlovedher,” Conor said.
