Me.
Calm down,I remind myself. I’ve never been the possessive or jealous type, but I feel like I barely have John, andanything could snap this fragile relationship I’m trying to build.
Who knows, maybe all this love in the air will make him extra horny tonight, and he’ll finally give in and let me show him just how much I want him. I made sure I spent extra long in the shower this morning, shaving my pubes and trying to clean myself out like Blake told me to do. If anything happens, I want to be perfect for him.
I really hope something happens.
My heart is pounding erratically in my chest as I stand way too far away from John on the altar. I look over at him, and all I can think about is how wrong the distance between us feels. Can John feel that too? It’s almost like we’re getting a do-over. Like we should be standing inches apart and confessing our commitments toward each other once again, but sober this time. But we’re not saying anything.
Not yet, anyway.
We need to focus on Blake and Liam getting married now, but after, I have one mission and one mission only: make John realize how much he wants me.
Their ceremony is beautiful,as expected. Blake spent months obsessing over every detail and it paid off big time. I wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes because something about watching your best friend marry the love of his life does weird things to your emotions. I’m so happy for them. I wish I could focus on just that.
“You may now kiss your husband,” the officiant says. Liam and Blake lean in to lock lips, and for them, it’s a modest kiss. Blake looks happier than I’ve ever seen him, and Liam is staring at Blake like he’s the center of his universe.
For a moment, I feel like a horrible friend. Ever since Liamand Blake walked down the aisle together, I’ve been burning up with something that feels suspiciously like envy even though I really am so happy for him.
I also can’t help but want that.
I want that level of passion and commitment.
Damn it, I just want John to officially choose me.
Except John looks completely detached from the ceremony, and I can’t help but wonder what’s changed since earlier. Was it Faith? Did seeing me get jealous over her upset him? Or is it Luke? Do weddings still make him think about the person he lost instead of the person standing right next to him? If that’s the case, I can’t fault him for it. I don’t know the pain associated with losing the person you’d planned to spend your life with, but I’d imagine he’s still working through it if he hasn’t even dated in ten years.
All these emotions today have me reconsidering how I’ve been approaching our relationship, and I think I might have gotten it wrong. For the first time in my life, I have something worth fighting for, and I’ve been kind of joking my way through it. Teasing John. Flirting with him. Acting like we’re inevitable because we signed a marriage certificate and drunkenly said vows in front of an Elvis impersonator.
That’s not the way to win John over.
I realize that now.
To me, it’s never been about having a husband. It’s never been about not being alone. It’s not that he’s hot, and I’m excited to be with a man for the first time, or any of the other excuses he keeps trying to use for why we shouldn’t be together.
It’s because he’shim, and somehow the more I get to know John, the more I like him. I also love the way he makes me feel when he lets his protective side shine through, or when I earn a smile or a laugh from my usually grumpy man.
And I actually think I love that he’s making me work for this. Making me fight for us.
Growing up, I never really had to work for anything. I have a very supportive family, lots of money, lots of friends. My path was laid out for me, and I knew I’d get a job doingsomethingin my family’s company, so I didn’t exactly have to try there either.
John’s the only person I’ve tried to date who isn’t asking for more and more of me. In New York, I felt like the women I dated were impressed by my family’s money or connections. They liked my sense of humor, but that also meant they wanted me to be the life of the party all the time. If I expressed any other emotion, they’d turn their nose up and tell me I was overreacting. They’d never admit it, but they wanted me to be a shell of a person, performing exactly as they expected at all times. It was exhausting, especially because I’m not that person. Not really. Even if I am the happy-go-lucky guy most of the time, I still have feelings.
Now I have someone who claims he doesn’t like romance, but he’s romantic all the time. He takes care of me in so many little ways. The first night I showed up here, he shared his dinner with me, obviously eating less than he intended so I wouldn’t go without. All week, he’s insisted on cooking for me; he’s made me iced coffee every morning even though he drinks his black; he drives me everywhere, and he even ordered for me. He’s never once asked me about money despite the fact that I’m living with him and he definitely could.
All of it has been him being romantic. At least, in my mind.
I’ve tried to tell him I can be there for whatever he needs, that I’m so happy we’re married, but I think I need a new approach.
I need to prove to him I don’t just want a husband.
I want him.
The blindfold and dinner might not’ve worked, but maybe the reason he keeps pushing back is because I’ve never actually said that out loud.
10
JOHN
