“I brought our wedding merch,” I continue, ignoring his dismissal. “There are so many cool items with our wedding photos on them. I wanted to wait until I was with you to open it, but I couldn’t help myself! This is one of the things.” I point to the T-shirt I’m wearing. It’s so cheesy, and normally, my clothes are a lot nicer than something that looks like I got it at spring break in Myrtle Beach in 2010, but I had to pull out all the stops to show him how serious I am.
He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me while his nostrils flare.
“It’s okay if you don’t think you’d wear this shirt. I didn’t really think it was your style, mine either, but with our package, we also got water bottles, magnets, stickers, a whole calendar, mugs, printed photos, and even trucker hats! Scotty really went big with the Love Me Tender package. Our wedding photos are amazing, too.”
“I don’t want any of it, Chad,” he says dryly, moving to shut the door again.
I must have caught John at a bad time because my normally grumpy man seems to be in an extra grumpy mood today. Iwould’ve given him a heads-up that I was coming, but after about a hundred or so unanswered texts, I was feeling a bit down about sending any more. That’s why I decided to show up to the wedding weekend early to surprise John. We’ve always gotten along better in person.
“I think once you see everything for yourself, you’ll change your mind. I’ll keep the box somewhere safe until you’re ready to go through it all with me,” I suggest with a big smile.
He sighs. “Not gonna happen.”
God, this reminds me so much of how Vegas started for us, and that can only be a good thing. He just needs to warm back up to me, and with our best friends getting married this weekend, he’ll get there in no time. Love is in the air!
“John, can I please come in so we can talk about whatever is bothering you? Is this because you still think I’m straight? Is that why you’re being extra grouchy right now?”
“You’rethe one who told me you’re straight,” he mutters.
“Oh my God, I knew it! This is why you’ve been avoiding me, isn’t it? Because you thought I regretted marrying you? I told you I wouldn’t, and I meant that,” I reassure him because that was his big concern on our wedding night. Sure, we were drunk, but I did know what I was doing.
“If you say so.” He sounds like he’s exhausted by this conversation, probably because we’ve had it so many times already.
I blame myself since I did say multiple times that I was straight that weekend—I’m not sure why everyone kept asking me—but then I found out he had his dick pierced, and it was game over. Ihadto see it because I’d never met anyone with their dick pierced, and I had no idea if I’d ever be lucky enough to see one in person again.
I begged him so much that he finally dragged me into a club bathroom and showed me.
He has six piercings.
Six!
His pierced dick altered my brain chemistry. It was like everything suddenly clicked into place, and I understood in that moment just how similar I am to my best friend. We both had lived our lives assuming we were solely attracted to women, only to be confronted by the truth when we least expected it. Blake needed a whole blind-dating reality show to realize he’s bi. Apparently, I just needed to see John’s dick in a club bathroom.
That night, the urge to stick my tongue out and taste him was immediate and all-consuming. It made me hard. I don’t think I need more proof than that, even if I still have never touched a dick that isn’t mine. My reaction to John in that moment finally made me realize I’m attracted to him. So it’s probably a good time to remind him of that.
“John, your pierced dick mademydick hard! Then we shared the best kiss of my life after we said ‘I do’ and that made me hard too! I told you I was serious, that even though we were drunk, I wouldn’t regret this. I feel like my nonstop texts to you should also clue you in that I haven’t stopped thinking about you, wanting you. I’m here to prove it. I’m literally here with a car full of stuff, ready to move in with you.”
“You’re what?” he asks, sounding completely shocked as though we didn’t talk about this in Vegas.
“I wanted to come sooner, but Blake has been coming to the city every weekend for wedding stuff. I don’t know why I assumed that, since he and Liam are getting married on their farm, it would be a chill wedding, but nope. Super fucking bougie. So that’s why I haven’t been able to move in yet,” I explain, hoping that if he knows I wanted to be here with him even sooner, it might change his attitude.
John is still staring at me with that somber, grumpy expression. “Chad, I don’t know why you think you’re moving in with me, but you’re not. I’m serious. This isn’t up for debate, okay?”
“If this is about the sex stuff, I’ve been talking with Blake about that extensively, too. I’m ready. Gay sex sounds fun,” I assure him.
John seems to be into some kinky stuff. I don’t know exactly what, but we talked about hooking up briefly after our wedding, and he basically said I wouldn’t be able to handle what he’s into. If I hadn’t passed out on the ride home, I think we would’ve crossed several lines, but that stupid champagne ruined my chances of consummating the marriage. I’m never drinking champagne again.
“I’ve been using all that time with Blake to ask about everything I apparently need to know about having sex with another man,” I continue. I don’t know if John wants to know specifics, but I figure I might as well tell him. I don’t want to start our marriage out with secrets. “Like, what it’s like to touch a dick that isn’t your own, what it’s like to suck one, who does what, how you can possibly fit a massive dick into such a tiny, tight hole—side note, I did try with my finger, and ooooh baby. Oh, and how to prep, how to not make itmessy—if you catch my drift—and what happensifit’s messy. If licking an asshole is actually hot, if?—”
“Jesus Christ, Chad!” John shouts. “Stop talking!”
“I’m sorry, I just want you to know I’m really ready now that Blake has answered every single question I could think of. I’m so lucky he’s my best friend.”
“So you told Blake?” he growls, seeming a tiny bit more upset.
“No! I didn’t, I swear I didn’t!” I rush to explain because that was one thing John didn’t want. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone, and I agreed so he wouldn’t rush to annul our marriage, as he’d initially wanted. “I just asked like I was generally curious about it all. And if you’re worried that he’d think it was weird that I’m suddenly so curious about gay sex, don’t be. He’s been thrilled to explain all of it to me. He gave melotsof examples.”
He grunts at me, and I realize we still haven’t moved from the front porch.
