Chad’s arms might feel like the perfect fit wrapped around me, but they don’t disguise the fact that I’m having some sort of mental breakdown over basically nothing. He sat on a motorcycle that wasn’t even on. And I’m still too fucked up to talk to him properly about why it upset me.
He deserves so much better than this.
So much better than me.
I take a deep breath to try to get my throat to work again. “Come on,” I say, attempting an even tone as I step back. “Where are your keys? We can take your car.”
23
CHAD
The drive home is quiet. I think we’re both lost in thought. I knew about Luke, and that John is still working through what happened with him, but until today, I never really knew just how deep his pain went.
John’s grief is all-consuming and affects his entire life. His need for control and to distance himself from the people who care about him most makes so much more sense now. It’s like he’s always preparing for the moment they won’t be there anymore. Anticipatory grief or something. At least, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard my mom mention that phrase before.
I can’t pretend I actually understand what he’s experiencing. I’ve never lost someone I loved to that degree, that intensity. But knowing what I do about him now, it’s not a surprise to me that he’s kept everyone at arm’s length to protect himself. He even does it with his own brothers it seems. The three of them appear to be close, and then there’s John. He must believe that if he avoids caring about the people in his life that the next loss won’t take him down with it.
But that’s only living half a life. Doesn’t he see that too?
I understand he thought he’d be with Luke forever, and now Iknow that future was gone in an instant. Unfairly ripped away before they had a chance to even try.
When I met John, I thought he was grumpy and mad at the world, but I had no idea why. I just knew he was Liam’s best friend, so I wanted to be his friend too. Then in Vegas, I saw glimpses of his caring, protective nature, and when he dropped his gruff exterior and laughed with me, smiled even, it made me feel more special than I’d ever felt around anyone else.
Now I realize he does have a reason to be mad at the world. That loss destroyed him.
Of course he stopped planning after that.
Of course he stopped letting people in.
Those smiles and laughs I’ve earned from him feel even more important now.
The more I get to know John, the more I realize he doesn’t do anything halfway, especially not feelings. It could be wishful thinking, but I’m pretty sure he builds his entire world around the person he loves, and I think that’s exactly why he refuses to admit he has feelings for me.
Not that I think he’s in love with me. Yet.
But I think he might be incapable of loving casually or lightly. If he were to admit that whatever we are isn’t just about sex, he would be making himself vulnerable again. A relationship with me could have the power to destroy him if something ever happens to me.
The way he looked when he saw me on his motorcycle keeps replaying in my mind. His voice was filled with sheer panic, and his hands were literally shaking after he pulled me off. That wasn’t about control. It wasn’t about pride or possessiveness.
It was terror of losing another person he cares about.
Because he cares about me.
He can think he’s protecting himself by keeping me at arm’s length and refusing to call this more than it is, but I know better.He showed me tonight that I mean more to him than he’s willing to put into words.
That has to be why he’s so careful with me, so protective. He thinks if he can control everything, then he can stop the bad things from happening.
But that’s not how the world works.
And if that’s true, why the hell does he treat his own life like it’s expendable?
That’s the part that unsettles me the most. He doesn’t seem nearly as concerned about his own safety as he does with others. He still rides his motorcycle, still tempts the same kind of fate that took the person he loved from him.
He acts like if something happened to him, it wouldn’t really matter. Does he feel guilty that he’s still here and Luke isn’t? As though he’s been living on borrowed time ever since he lost him in that tragic accident?
Fuck. I hope he knows that isn’t true. The idea of something happening tome nearly unraveled him, and honestly, I feel the same way at the idea of anything happening to him. He needs to know how much I value him in my life, how much he enhances it. That’s all I’ve tried to do since the beginning, what I’m still trying to do, but I’m not sure he can see it.
He can tell himself this is just sex. He can insist we have rules to “eliminate” feelings. He can keep repeating that we’re nothing more than our arrangement. And I will keep doing my best to respect that because I don’t want to risk pushing him before he’s ready. I’ll keep showing up and showing him that I’m here because I want to be, because I care about him. Even if he doesn’t believe it yet, having him in my life really does make it so much better.
