I still can’t believe I told Liam I was with Luke after all this time. Talking about him felt impossible before I met Chad, but he continues to prove to me that change isn’t always a bad thing. The world didn’t end when I opened up to him and Liam; they didn’t judge me or think any less of me.
Chad continues to treat me like I’m enough exactly as I am,no matter how much of my true self I show him. I keep waiting for something to scare him away, to remind him that I’m not the perfect husband he’s been building up in his head for months, that I’m just… me, nothing special.
But so far, he’s embraced every part of me in a way I don’t feel like I deserve. I’ve been trying to push Chad away, so convinced I’m not good enough for him, but maybe that’s the wrong way to look at things. Maybe I should be working on myself so that one day I can actually be good enough for Chad. Maybe one day I’ll feel like I deserve his endless support and kindness.
Obviously, I know it won’t happen overnight, but I’m not ready to let him go. I have no idea how he knew all those months ago in Vegas, but my life really is better with him in it. Full of more joy and laughter, more support and hope than I ever thought possible. I like this version of myself I’m slowly becoming around him.
So, if Chad isn’t running, I need to stop trying to push him away.
Which reminds me of something he said when he showed up today that has been bothering me, and I was too upset earlier to properly address it. I place a quick kiss on the top of his head, pull him in a little closer, and tuck the thin blanket I brought around us both. “I meant what I said earlier. I do like spending time with you for more than sex, more than you submitting to me or me helping you figure out what kinks you’re into. We don’t always need to be so focused on all that.”
For a moment, I wonder if I hesitated for too long. With his head resting on my chest I can’t tell if his eyes are even open anymore, but then he sniffs and tilts his face up to meet my gaze, his blue eyes shining with tears. “Thank you.”
Fuck. I know they’re happy tears, but they make me feel like an even bigger fool than I already did. He shouldn’t be surprised to hear that, or relieved, or whatever other emotions I’ve inspiredbecause I haven’t been appreciating Chad for the gift that he is. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time trying to push this perfect man away. I wipe the tears from his eyes with my thumb, but it isn’t enough.
“Come here,” I mutter, pulling him up so I can kiss him properly.
And that’s all we do—kiss.
I might not be sixteen anymore, but in the dark, cuddling Chad in our tent, it feels like we’re in our own little world where nothing bad could happen.
It obviously isn’t our first kiss, but it does feel like a new beginning.
When we finally break apart, Chad snuggles back into my chest and whispers, “I like spending time with you too, John.” Something swells in my chest. Then even quieter, he adds, “Do I remind you of him?”
I’m so surprised by the question, I can’t help but let out a short laugh. “Luke? Absolutely not.”
“Really?” Chad sounds shocked. “Will you tell me about him?”
I let out a long breath and remind myself that talking about him today was good. “He was pretty much the opposite of you. Kept to himself, didn’t like to open up to most people.”
“So similar to you?” he teases, and it makes me smile.
“Yeah. We had similar hobbies and interests, we agreed about pretty much everything, we never fought…”
“He does sound perfect for you,” Chad whispers.
I squeeze him closer and remind him, “No one is perfect.”Except for maybe you, I think to myself. He nods but doesn’t seem convinced, so I continue. “He did encourage me to have fun, tease me a bit when it was just the two of us. He made me happy, and that part does remind me of you, Princess.”
I kiss his hair again, and he kisses my chest where his head is resting before whispering, “You make me happy, too.”
Even though a part of me wants to dismiss his comment, I try to let it sink in, to believe him. I remind myself of my new goal to work toward deserving his trust and affection, and I feel more at peace than I have in a long time.
I’m really glad Chad decided to surprise me and come camping.
29
CHAD
My nerves are at an all-time high as we head back home from camping. It was amazing. Well, the actual camping and hiking and nature stuff I could’ve probably done without, but I’ve never felt closer to John.
After what John shared with me this weekend, I am a teeny tiny bit terrified that maybe the fireplace upgrade will be too big of a shock now that I know it’s Luke’s childhood house. This will be the first big change, and I didn’t have his brothers restore it exactly as it was previously, so now I’m anxious I overstepped.
Big time.
James has been sending me updates that they’re nearly finished, so no going back now. I don’t know if they’ll be out of the house by the time we get there either. He said they’d do their best, but I’m concerned the surprise might be even more overwhelming if a bunch of people are there…
Nope, no use worrying; it’ll be great!
