I have to admit to myself I’m disappointed as we pack up my car to leave. I really thought we’d have more time in our little bubble here. I wanted to lay in bed, cuddle up, exchange more blowjobs, maybe even fuck him if he’d let me. God, I wanted to see him in those little panties he was wearing. Hopefully he’ll still want to do all of those things when we get back, but there was something about being truly alone here that made crossing those lines for the first time feel a little easier.
Thinking about all of this makes me realize how much I’vemissed out on with my super casual approach to sex. Porter is someone I care about, and I’ve never had that with anyone I’ve hooked up with before. I’m surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed the extra connection.
Once we’re all packed up, I do a final check of the place to make sure we’ve got everything and then meet Porter in the car where he’s waiting for me. I turn the car on and pull out of the driveway, turning to him. “Anywhere you want to stop for breakfast?”
“Nah, I’m not hungry yet. I might just sleep.” Then he turns into the window with his balled-up hoodie against it and closes his eyes.
Fuck, is he mad at me?
I feel like this is probably karma coming to bite me in the ass for the way I’ve treated all my past hookups. I really thought I was doing them a favor by being so quick to move on. Is that what’s happening here? Is Porter trying to move on and go back to just being friends?
Shit. This fucking sucks. I feel… discarded. I’m not even confident that’s what’s happening, but the possibility alone has me jumping into panic mode. I’m normally so much better at setting the expectation before a hookup so that there’s no question after about what it meant, but lust won out over logic yesterday. I’m drawn to Porter in a way that I’m not sure I’ve experienced before.
Should I ask him now? What if he really is just tired, and I make things even more awkward between us?
I was hoping we’d have more time today. I was so excited when I woke up this morning, and now, every mile marker feels like a countdown to the end of something—and I really hope it isn’t our friendship.
I’ll never forgive myself if I ruined it with my dares. This is exactly why I hesitated to tell him I was attracted to him in the first place. But then I saw his dildo and it was like all rationalthought stopped working, and the only thing I could think about was seeing Porter naked. Fuck, this is what I get for thinking with my dick.
When we pull up to his place—after he slept the whole drive back, or pretended to, I can’t be sure—I’m desperate to show him that I’m still the same person, that what happened between us doesn’t mean things need to be weird and that I’d love for them to keep happening. He unbuckles and opens the car door, and I do the same, hurrying to beat him to the trunk so I can open it for him and grab his bag.
“I can handle it,” he assures me with a smile.
“I know,” I acknowledge. “But I want to.”
I sling the bag over my shoulder and walk him up to the door. I’ve always enjoyed taking care of Porter, and I have no intention of stopping now. He puts the key in the handle to unlock it, then steps inside, holding his hand out for his bag. It’s not the invite inside I was hoping for, but I hand it over without protest. “Thanks again for inviting me. I had a really great time.”
“Me too,” he replies easily, but he’s already got his hand on the door ready to close it. “See ya later.”
“Bye, P. Let me know if you need anything.” He nods, then shuts the door, and I feel like my chest cracks open from the rejection.
I slide into the driver’s seat, and as I pull up my phone contacts, I hesitate, hovering over my mom’s name. After another moment, I decide against calling my parents for help. I know their focus will be on me coming out to them, and that’s not my priority right now. At least Nathan and Cam know who Porter is and that I went to spend the night at a lake house with him last night. It’ll be easier to talk to them, even if I’ve never asked them for advice like this before.
As soon as I get home, I seek out my roommates, but I don’t have to look very hard. Nathan and Cam are sprawled on the couch, controllers in hand, deeply invested in whatever gamethey’re currently playing. Interesting that Decker isn’t here, but that’ll probably make things easier for me right now.
“Oh, hey, man,” Cam says after a moment when I plop into the empty love seat next to the couch they’re on.
“’Sup?”
“Not much, just whooping Cam’s ass as usual. Decker’s coming over soon too. Probably to beg us to move into that four-bedroom house he’s obsessed with next year one more time.”
Ah, there it is. It’s not that I care if Decker knows, but I think this is something that would be better for just Cam and Nathan to discuss with me for now before welcoming a third opinion who’d probably just agree with whatever Cam says.
“Okay, then I’ll make this quick. Can you guys pause the game? I need your advice.”
“Sure, man, what’s up?” Cam asks as he presses a button on the controller, pausing the screen. “Did you have fun at the lake house?”
I’m realizing now, I didn’t really think through telling them I’m bi. Maybe my parents would have been the better option when I know they’ll be supportive. I honestly don’t know how these guys will react. I’m pretty sure Cam won’t care, but Nathan has been a bit prickly with me every time Porter’s come up in conversation. But I’d rather them know the truth immediately than feel like I’m keeping some big secret about myself from them. Besides, I really do want their help, and they can’t do that without knowing that piece of it.
“I did, yeah. Until this morning. So turns out, I’m bi. It’s something I’d been thinking about for a while now, but last night I?—”
“Wait, wait,” Cam interrupts me. “Did you just say you’re bi? Like, bisexual?”
“Yeah,” I confirm simply without explaining myself more.
“Holy shit, dude!” Cam responds, obviously surprised. “I have so many questions, but continue.”
I suppose that seems supportive. Nathan hasn’t said anything, and I risk looking at him. He looks expressionless though, almost like he’s holding his breath. Not glowing support but not enough to stop me.
