“We’ll see what happens, but I’m not holding my breath,” I finally answer noncommittally.
I’m not exactly eager to be another one of Will Carter’s previous conquests begging for more. And I really don’t want to force a conversation where Will has to let me down gently.
Josie gives me a sad smile and nods, dropping it for now. I’m sure this won’t be the last conversation we have about him, but I’m grateful that this time around I have her in my corner while I try to move on from being another straight friend’s first time.
30
WILL
I’ve been staring at my phone for the past fifteen minutes, willing Porter to text me back, but I’m worried I won’t get a response at all. We’ve been back for five days, and as much as I’ve wanted to believe he’s just been busy, I think it’s more than that.
Monday, when I caught up to him between classes like I normally do, I tried to sound casual about asking him to get lunch even though my stomach was full of knots.
“Can’t,” he responded quickly, already walking away from me. “I need to get to class early to talk about an assignment.”
It seemed weird since he’d never had to do that before, but he was smiling and didn’t seem upset so I just nodded because I had no idea what else to do.
Yesterday, I went to the coffee shop when I knew he’d be working, and he took over the register when I got there. I thought I’d have a few minutes to talk to him, but of course, some asshole had to come stand behind me. Not their fault, of course, but it meant Porter had the excuse to dismiss my attempt to chat, saying, “Sorry, but I’ve got to help the next customer.”
It fucking sucks, especially because I’m not sure what happened between us, but it feels like he’s avoiding me.
I’ve been texting him all week, but instead of his usually sassy responses, they’ve been short, and he’s taken longer to reply. I’m terrified hooking up with him ruined our friendship. I’m going back and forth with myself, unsure if talking before we’d hooked up would’ve made a difference. Especially because I don’t know exactly what I would’ve asked for. I still don’t really have an answer to Cam’s question the other day, the idea of dating anyone is so foreign to me, plus jumping from friends to boyfriend immediately seems crazy, and again, I don’t even know if he likes me.
All signs this week point to no. Either that, or I really failed at giving my first blowjob.
Today, instead of stalking him on campus—even though I don’t think it’s stalking when he knows I know his class schedule—I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up. The texting brush-offs are a smidge easier to bear than the in-person ones.
Will
Have time for a coffee with me? I wanna see you
I stare at the time stamp of when it was delivered. It’s been nearly two hours and still no reply. Before spring break, even when he was working or in class, he’d usually text me back within an hour. I can’t believe I’ve so quickly turned into the guy who’s counting minutes between responses, but it’s killing me.
I don’t know what else I could possibly do without feeling like I’m harassing him, so I guess it’s finally time to call my mom and get her advice. My parents have always been loudly supportive of everything I’ve done, so I’m not worried about telling them my sexuality has evolved—they’ll honestly probably be thrilled for me—but discussing your sex life with yourparents isn’t fun for any twenty-one-year-old, so I’ve been putting it off.
“Will! Hi, Pumpkin!” her voice fills my ears, and it immediately calms some of my anxious energy.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Oh no, is something wrong? I can hear it in your voice.”
“Yeah,” I admit, and I don’t even know where to start. “I think I messed up with someone I care about.”
There’s a pause. She’s giving me space to fill the silence, but I don’t know where to start so eventually she prompts me for more. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Well, for starters, you should know I’m bi.”
She gasps before quickly responding. “Thank you for telling me, Will. Is that a new discovery for you, and how are you feeling about it?”
“Good, I guess. It’s not that I cared about being straight before I realized. It’s more so that I don’t know what to do now that the person I like—who happens to be a gay man—is pulling away from me.”
“Mm-hmm,” she hums, encouraging me.
“I went to a lake house with him Saturday, and we hooked up. It was great, but Sunday morning he was really quiet, and he’s been distant ever since. I’m not sure what I did, or how to get him to talk to me,” I admit.
“Did you discuss expectations beforehand?”
Shame hits me because this was the first time in years that I didn’t. “No. I know we should’ve, but I was too wrapped up in the moment. I don’t even know what I would’ve said. We’ve become really good friends and things have always been different with us. I just… what if I hurt him somehow?”
