The thought of our impending departure was like a bucket of cold water spilling over my head. “Are you still thinking of leaving as soon as we’re done?”
I knew that initially Cole had been eager to leave, but I couldn’t imagine saying goodbye to Ade in two weeks time. It wasn’t enough.
“I guess we could stay for a bit longer, but our life is in LA, while hers is here. We’ll be saying goodbye sooner rather than later.”
“You can’t speak for us as a unit anymore,” I stated. “After this recording, we’ll be free agents.”
A shadow passed over Cole’s face, and he leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs. “We need to talk about that.”
I realized I’d just brought up the conversation he’d been carefully preparing for over these past few weeks. My throat tightened as I nodded at him to continue.
“I don’t want to give up on us,” he began. “We just told Adeline all about how she should fight for her band, but we’re giving up on our own? It’s not right.”
Charlie dying hadn’t been right, either, but it had happened anyway. His face flashed in my mind—lips curled in a smirk I knew too well. I was relieved when I realized that the debilitating guilt I usually felt whenever I thought of him had dulled slightly.
“I don’t know,” I told Cole and saw the pain reflected in his eyes. In that moment, looking at my friend of twenty years, I knew the dam was about to burst.
I let it.
Dropping my face into my palms, I began to sob. A moment later, Cole pulled me into a tight hug.
“I was the one who told him to give us space.” All the words I’d kept unspoken since Charlie’s death now spilled out. “I told him he needed to work through his issues on his own before he brought the rest of us down. He had gotten so negative, so aggressive during those months that all the air was sucked out of the room every time we were together.”
“Ezra, you did what you thought was right for all of us. We tried to help, but he wouldn’t let us. He was pushing all of us away even before you said anything. And no one knew about the drug addiction. If we’d known, we would have stayed by his side until he checked himself into rehab.”
“I just can’t help but think that my actions were what broke the camel’s back.”
I pushed Cole away slightly so that I could look him in the eyes when I said this next part. “That’s why I took a step back. I don’t want to make any decisions for the group anymore, not when it means I’ll be responsible for their outcomes. If something happens to the rest of you, I won’t be able to handle it.”
Cole rocked back and sat down on the floor at my feet. “You’re my best friend, and I love you, but you’re also an idiot. You are an incredible leader for the band, but we’re all adults, and if you ever made a decision that didn’t make sense, we wouldn’t follow you like trained puppies. If we did, that’s on us, not on you. No one, not even Abel, who’s taken this harder than Silas and I, blame what happened with Charlie on you. Not one bit. I can’t even say we’ve forgiven you because there was nothing to forgive. You need to be kinder to yourself, just like you’d be to me if our positions were reversed.”
I allowed his words to settle over my soul. I knew one honest conversation wouldn’t fix everything, but some part of me still felt lighter as a result.
“Fuck, man,” I huffed, steepling my fingers in front of my face. “When did shit get so goddamn hard?”
“You’re making it harder than it needs to be, my man,” Cole said, rising from the floor and moving back to the couch. “We are musicians. Making music isn’t the hard part. The opposite is. What the hell are you going to do if we break up? You’ve got a backup plan? I sure don’t. The rest of them don’t. We need to talk to Abel and get ourselves back on track.”
I hoped he was right, but I also knew it was a tall hill to climb. Abel’s wounds ran deep.
“This recording process has been healing for me.” Cole sniffed. “It’s helped me deal with some of my personal shit.”
I studied the sour expression on his face. “Amy?”
“Yeah. I know it was a while back, but some part of me was still bitter, and I just couldn’t let go of it for the longest time. The other day, I finally looked at the paintings I had of her—my “love letters”—and it was like looking at a piece of greasy sandwich paper. You know it held something good at it one time, but now it’s just trash. I had talked to Adeline about it right before, and seeing how she reacted to the story made me realize I’m ready to move on.”
“I’m happy for you,” I told my friend. “It was time to end that chapter.”
“I know. And I also know that the same is not true for us. This experience has given us a second wind. I’m so fucking grateful for Adeline, because I really think she’s playing a huge part in bringing us together and making us work so well. I don’t want to walk away from the band when the last song is done.”
I didn’t want to walk away from it, either. We were a family. I’d lived through my ultimate highs and lows with these guys, and I didn’t know who I was without them.
“Okay, let’s talk to Abel. I think we should take a few days away from this place,” I said, a plan slowly taking form in my head. “Maybe changing up our environment will help Abel see what Bleeding Moonlight could look like without Charlie.”
Cole hummed. “Like a camping trip? Remember the last one we took together?”
Oh yeah, I remembered that fiasco pretty well. Still had scars to prove it.
“Yeah, but let’s not play a game of who can jump over the biggest fire this time around. Just good old-fashioned time outside in nature. We’ll exhaust him with a long hike and then start talking about the future. He’s always most receptive to ideas when he’s physically spent.”
