He shook his head. “After high school, I told him I was done. What was the point of me going to college just to fail? I didn’t want to feel inadequate for another four years. When I told my dad that, he lost his mind. He said he’d spent so many years trying to fix me, that I was going to college or getting the hell out of his house.He was ready to kick me out that same night, but my mom calmed him down. She said of course I had to go to college, but I didn’t have to go right away. She always took my dad’s side, but I think she sensed how close I was to my breaking point, so she tried to find a compromise. We settled on getting me two years to do whatever I wanted on their dime. But then I was going.”
Everything was coming together now. It was during those years that I started getting to know Mason. I had no idea what he was like in high school, and my sister graduated a few years before him, so she probably had no idea as well. They’d been close, but mostly because of their band. If Mason had wanted to hide that side of him from her, it would have been easy enough to do it. “You used that time to live the life you wanted.”
“Yeah, I tried to make the most of it, despite having to take the SAT over and over again so that I could get a score my dad deemed good enough. Finally, on my fourth try, I did it. He congratulated me, even told me he was proud of me, but at that point, I had so much resentment toward him the compliment felt empty. I used those two years to have the high school experience I never got to have—slacking off, drinking, partying, and playing music. God, I loved playing with the band so much. It made me feel alive unlike anything else. But even in that domain, I was scared my talent was a fluke. What if one day it would be just gone?”
The idea that a musician of Mason’s caliber could doubt himself would have seemed impossible if I hadn’t seen my sister struggle with similar feelings for years. I squeezed his hand, and he met my gaze for a moment before speaking again.
“The two years flew by way too fast, and then it was time for me to deliver on my end of the deal. I was headed to Northeastern so that my dad would never have to be ashamed of his son who only got a high school education. The thing is, despite my dad’s wishes, dyslexia isn’t something you can grow out of. And because I never got diagnosed, never even began to understand what was wrong with me, I had no chance at succeeding. I didn’t know how to study or learn on my own. I couldn’t ask for accommodations because I didn’t have an official diagnosis at first, but even once I got it, I couldn’t bring myself to tell any of my professors. I’d been conditioned to be ashamed of it, still am. Telling you this is…difficult.”
A harsh taste filled my mouth. I was starting to see the things I’d said to him at that party in a new, horrible light.
He tipped his head back, looking at some spot on the wall. “It’s better to be known as irresponsible than stupid, don’t you think? That’s what I decided a few weeks into the first semester. I could be the guy who slacked off and made bad choices. Who’d get wasted the night before a test and laugh about failing it. That sounded a hell of a lot better than admitting there simply weren’t enough hours in the day for me to actually learn the material. Kaz was there through it all. He saw me struggling, and when the inevitable happened, he offered to drop out with me. Said he was more interested in making music together than staying in Northeastern on his own. It meant a lot to me. My parents cut off contact with me when they found out what had happened. I don’t know where I’d be without Kaz by my side.”
Pulling his hand out of mine, he shook his head. “Fuck. I just unloaded on you. This was supposed to make you feel better.”
I climbed off the bed and went down before him, placing my hands on his knees, just like he’d done to me last night. His eyes surveyed me, their usual lightness all but gone. “Mase,” I croaked past the ball in my throat. “Thank you for telling me all this. The things I said to you then… I didn’t know. Never would have imagined it.”
Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and brought it to my cheek. “I know.”
“I judged you harshly for leaving without knowing the full story. I should have respected your choice. You knew what was right for you. No wonder you were so angry at me. I deserve your anger.”
He shook his head. “No. It was immature of me to hold a childish grudge for so long. You didn’t know the full story because I was terrified of sharing it with you. You were only trying to keep me from making what you thought was a mistake.”
“No. I mean, yes. But also, no.” The truth was on the tip of my tongue—
“I know, Mol. You were fighting your own battles. Your sister worked so hard to get you to Northeastern, and I was just throwing—”
“No! That’s not it.” I had to tell him. There was no holding it back anymore. “I wanted you to stay forme, Mase. I thought you liked me. Wanted to be with me. But months went by, and nothing ever happened, and I didn’t know why. You pulled away. And then you said you were leaving for good, and my first instinct was to make you stay.”
He stared at me, his eyes wide with surprise at my words.
Pushing off his knees, I turned away, suddenly too scared to keep looking into the mirrors of his blue eyes. Could he sense my thoughts? Did he know I still wanted him now, even when I was sleeping with his best friend?
The wild thing was coiled tightly inside my chest, lurking in the shadows and ready to spring out. My hands were shaking, as if keeping her contained required physical effort.
Mason rose from the bed and stopped behind me, his delicious clean scent invading my senses and making it harder and harder for me to keep my emotions contained. I longed to lean back into his broad chest and feel his strong arms around me, but I dug deep, finding one last crumb of self-control.
“I wanted you.” His voice was low, his breath hot on the back of my neck. “But I was ashamed of myself. I couldn’t stand the thought of you knowing just how broken I was.”
“You’re not broken,” I whispered. “I’d never think that, Mase.”
“But I do. Do you see now how we’re the same?” His drew lines down the backs of my arms with his fingertips, his touch as hot as fire and as light as air. “Pride and shame… They’re two sides of the same coin, aren’t they?”
My pride was borne of my shame. Mason’s shame was created from his father’s pride. It was a mobius strip of loneliness and fear that had become like a noose around our necks.
Slowly, I turned around to face him. He was so close, a deep breath would be enough to make our chests touch. The way he was looking at me made my breath hitch and my skin tingle with electricity.
“I want to toss that coin away,” I said shakily.
“So do I,” he whispered, darkness seeping into his voice. “But it has a tendency to find its way back.”
His lips descended onto mine with an air of inevitability. There’d been no other option, no other conscious choice to make. The wild thing had known we’d end up here from the very first second he walked into Hyperion’s offices, but I’d become a practiced denier of her wisdom. It was too bad that in the long run, deniers always lost the battle against truth.
He held my waist in a firm, desperate grip as I tilted my head back to give him better access. He plunged his tongue inside my mouth, licking, sucking, and tasting everything I had to give. When I dared to open my eyes, it was like looking at things through a feverish haze, with only his piercing blue gaze anchoring me to reality.
After a few moments, he made a tortured sound and pulled away, dropping his hands down. “Fuck. We can’t do this.” He raked his fingers through his hair and crossed the room, trying to put some distance between us. “Not when you’re with Kaz.”
Kaz.The singer’s face flashed before my eyes, but the wild thing didn’t shrink with the wave of guilt that crashed over me. It stood up straighter and mouthed four simple words.
