“Wait, Raymond Booth is a well-known criminal?” Sam asks. Because yeah, what the fuck?
“So, you do know him,” Nicholas accuses.
Sam laughs. “El, babe? Do you want to take this one before your boyfriend arrests me because you don’t want to tell him about your past?”
My gaze meets Nicholas’s confused one. When he doesn't object to Sam calling him my boyfriend, hope flares in my chest. But he still hasn’t said anything to me, and that doesn’t bode well for our future. Still, he deserves to know the truth.
“Besides, I do have alibis for both murders. I told you about the secret mission with the Coast Guard,” Sam says.
Nicholas turns to him. “There’s no record of that. I checked.” Of course, he did. Why would he trust someone just because I asked him to?
“Well,duh. It’s all under the table. I told you that. They removed all my arrest records in exchange.Jeez, Nick, you could have just asked. And before you play your broken record of not believing me, I’ll call my handler, and you can talk to him yourself."
While the call rings, I keep my eyes fixed on my hand. So, nothing has changed. Nicholas just came here to talk to Sam, after I expressly told him not to. He continued investigating Sam after I asked him to give me some time to prove his innocence.
No,everythinghas changed. Because Nicholas didn’t just refuse to trust me, this time he brokemytrust, too.
When the phone connects, Sam explains the situation to the man on the other end. They laugh at Nicholas’s accusation. Then he talks to Nicholas after he has noted down his badge number and station. He vouches for Sam’s presence for a confidential matter, taking complete responsibility for him.
Since none of this is official police business, Nicholas keeps the call short. Then we’re all sitting in my quiet living room, now tainted by betrayal and regret.
“I’m going to find some other place to sleep,” Sam says, getting up.
“Wait, no. I—”
“Babe, you need to tell him.” Sam gives me a meaningful look.
Then he’s gone.
We sit there for what feels like hours without any words exchanged. I can't even look at Nicholas, even though I know he deserves the truth now that his case is tangled up in all this. But where should I even start? I can’t be vulnerable right now without breaking down completely. I can’t even—
“I was coming to see you when Meena called me about the Raymond thing.” Nicholas breaks the silence, his voice so rawthat I don’t even think of questioning him. “I had to see you, Elliot. Baby, I—”
“Don’t. Just don’t saythat.” I meet his gaze despite knowing my face would betray everything. Once I do, I can’t look away. He looks lost. Defeated. I want to wrap him in my arms and comfort him.
I avert my eyes from the paused screen in front of me. Two women sitting before a bonfire.
“Do you believe me? That I wasn’t coming here to talk to Sam. But once she told me who he was meeting, I had to know.Fuck, Elliot. I’m sorry.I’m so sorry. I should have listened to you. But please…Pleasebelieve me.”
I nod without looking at him.
“I know you think I don’t trust you. That I think you need my protection. That I don’t love… I don’t love you.” My gaze flies to his. “You’re wrong, Elliot. You’resofucking wrong abouteverything. I was in shock that day. Then I convinced myself you didn’t want me anymore. But there’s only one truth, Elliot. Baby,you’re mine. To protect and to love.”
My breath hitches at his words. I want to hate them, butfuck, I can’t.
“And not because you need it. You don’t. Are you kidding? You’re the most badass human I know, and I work in the human police department. You’re so fucking smart. And so mean. And so strong. And you’re all mine. I will protect you because you have me, okay? All of me. And that’s what I do for the people I love. Guess I’m weird too, huh?”
His words wash over me, easing some of the pain that's been festering since the day I left his apartment. “You didn’t trust me,” I say because, as much as it hurts, I can’t start something that’ll inevitably end. Not again.
He kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his. I let him because I’m not strong enough to fight his affection. I never was. “I do. Elliot, I really, really do. But when I had to pick between protecting you and trusting you, I really had no choice. I was wrong, but I know if I had to make that choice again, I’d betray you again and again if it meant you’d besafe.” A tear streams down his face. “I can’t live if anything happens to you. You have to know that, Elliot.You have to.”
I wipe his cheek with my other thumb while he peers at me hopefully. I cup his cheek, his beard pickling my palm, making me feel alive for the first time in a very long time. “I do. But youcan’tdo that again.”
He shakes his head, lowering it.
I pull it back up so he has to look at me. “Nicholas, I need you to trust me. I need to trust that you’ll always trust me.”
He looks at me for a second. When I’m sure he’ll refuse again, he nods. “Okay.”
