“Bawk?” the chicken asks, tilting its head, one foot in the air, huge talons lifting.
I never stopped to think about how sharp a chicken’s talons might actually be, probably because I’ve never been around a live one, but also because typically chicken talons aren’t the size of my torso. I never really thought a lot about dinosaurs and the evolution of chickens, but I sure as hell am now.
“You have nice feathers,” I tell it weakly, the sound of my voice strange in my ears after being upside down for so long.
The chicken lifts a wing and preens underneath it, eyes closing, before its attention is diverted to another sound behind it.
“Oh balls,” I mutter, doing my best to stay utterly still as a second chicken comes into view.
It’s even more enormous than the first, with the large red appendage bobbling on top of its head, and I swallow hard, a difficult thing to do when you’re upside down, I might add.
The goddamned rooster looks pissed off. And hungry. It stretches its throat out, looking straight up into the sky, and screams, “COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!” so ferociously that it hits me all at once: forget the chicken, the thing I need to be afraid of is this beast.
Unfortunately, I have a feeling I’m going to be dinner for the monster rooster.
“Shit shit shit,” I mutter frantically.
How the hell am I going to get out of this?
Maybe if I can finally get the comms tablet out of where it’s tucked into my pants, something I haven’t been able to do yet…
Oh shit. I shouldn’t have moved.
The rooster’s head tilts, and I don’t even have time to close my eyes before its beak lashes out, cutting me down from the snare that’s held me up in the air for who knows how long. Well, Ken No Privates probably knows, but fuck that guy.
Ground slams into my back, knocking the air from my lungs, and I lay there stunned, mouth gaping like a fish as I try to get oxygen back into my body and fail miserably at that incredibly important task. A task I might, in fact, have taken for granted. Shouldn’t the chicken, rooster, whatever the fucking megafauna poultry, have tried to eat me by now?
Something crunches as I move, the snap crackle pop signaling a major problem.
The comms tablet.
I want to scream, but there’s not enough breath in my lungs. It’s crushed where I had it tucked into my waistband.
There’s no way to communicate with my friends now, but since it’s looking like I’m about to be winner winner literal chicken dinner, that’s the least of my problems.
I finally get air, and some of the stars clouding my vision wink out of existence. I rub my leg, willing sensation to return to my deadened foot, before a beak plunges down in the dirt next to me, causing me to scramble away as fast as I can. I hardly feel the rock slicing into my palms.
Something slams into the ground in front of me, blocking me from the rooster’s line of vision, purple wings spread high, and I nearly weep with recognition.
“Zan,” I say on an exhale.
“Bawk, bawk,” the huge hen thunders, reaching around Zan to stare at me with her large beady eyes.
“Good chicken…. Please don’t eat me,” I add. “Zan, the comms tablet is broken.”
“No one will eat my human but me,” Zan roars.
Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought, because I know he did not just tell that to two giant dinosaur birds.
He’s a hell of a lot braver than me.
Or dumber.
Maybe both.
I rock a little, trying to sit up, trying to get away, the comms tablet crunching even more under my butt, making me cringe.
I want to cry, but I’m too scared.
