“I am disappointed that it is not my cock you are after, but this beast here, and while I am completely confused about why your human language denotes this animal and my manhood with the same word, I will proudly serve you either, both.”
I give him a long look, once again patting myself on the back for not taking the bait.
“What will you give me for serving you this food?” he says, a petulant tone in his voice and a sly look in his eye.
“I won’t bite yours off,” I tell him.
Zan blinks and tilts his head, clearly confused.
The hen makes a strange cooing noise behind us, still bathing in the patch of sunlight and the now-deep dirt hole she’s dug for herself, obviously undeterred by the demise of the giant rooster.
“Why isn’t she attacking us?” I say, not really asking Zan or anyone else. And then I clutch my chest and nearly die of my own heart attack as good old Ken appears in front of us in fullholographic form. He’s chosen, strangely, to wear what appears to be a black and white fur coat over a pink and red zebra-striped onesie, topping off the look with white cat-eye sunglasses.
“Congratulations,” Ken booms. You have defeated today’s challenge, and thus won your reward.” He gestures to both birds.
The ground rumbles, and Zan is suddenly at my side, an arm around my hip, steadying me against the tremors. A mechanical grinding noise sounds, and a table—stainless steel, but otherwise exactly like a picnic table that used to dot the natural parks all along Earth—appears out of nowhere. A hot pink and white checkered tablecloth slides across it, and out of the hole in the ground comes large wicker baskets and an enormous grill, bigger than any I’ve ever seen.
“Are you not entertained?” Ken roars, and if he’s doing an impression of Russell Crowe, it’s not a very good one.
Zan and I simply stare at the hologram AI.
“The Romans didn’t wear faux fur coats and hot pink zebra print,” I tell him slowly.
“Were you there?” Zan asks. “With these Romans of yours? Maybe you can tell me more about what’s to come if these are Roman-styled tasks.”
It takes a lot of effort not to sigh again, but I manage it. If there’s one thing working for that dickhead of a personal injury lawyer taught me, it’s how to deal with freaking idiots.
CHAPTER
FIVE
ZAN
Ken is still lookingat us expectantly.
“I am not entertained,” I tell him, nodding in agreement with my statement. None of this was very entertaining. My voice is calm, but inside I am seething with anger that my female has been put into danger by this psychotic artificial intelligence.
“I think you and I have a very different idea of entertaining,” I tell Ken, taking another step forward.
The image flickers, and the strange garments he’s wearing change, turning a brilliant shade of green and a deep brown.
“Please tell me there’s not a reason you’ve switched to camouflage from hot pink,” Lily says, making that long, deep, noisy exhalation she prefers to make when she’s extremely upset.
For this reason and this reason alone, I take a step back from the image of the artificial intelligence, grateful to have someone else be the reason she’s angry.
“Of course not,” Ken says, spreading his hands wide.
The large, feathered animal coos where she’s bathing in the grass, and all three of our gazes flicker to her momentarily.
“Is that thing going to attack us?” Lily asks, sounding perturbed.
“Of course not,” Ken tells her, shaking his head. “Hens are the submissive creatures, this one more so than most. She is part of your reward for defeating today’s challenge, as is…” He gestures to the table and the strange baskets sitting before us. “…the rest of this. A feast, if you can make it happen.”
Lily rolls her eyes, shifting on her feet. I cannot help but grin as I watch her.
I like that she does not care about hiding her thoughts.
“Don’t forget, contestants, you’re being watched by our live audience,” Ken continues, turning to address something standing in front of the chicken. “I’m grateful to announce it is growing daily thanks to our sponsors, the Roth and the Draegon planets. And for those watching at home, you can buy your own prize package simply by going to the Mated and Afraid website.” Ken gestures grandly. “There you can enter your?—"
