She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small red envelope, stamped with a wax seal. I twirl it in my hand, noting the scrawled writing on the back.
To Juliet.
Paige shrugs. ‘You can’t leave Verona without replying to one. You said so yourself.’
I eye them sceptically – we saw the Instagram post together, we all know that they’re closed for the next few weeks, letters be damned. But I pop the wax seal anyway, running my finger over the sealant and shimmying the letter out of the envelope. It’s packed in tightly and I have to unfold it four different times before it lies open in front of me. It reads:
Dear Juliet,
We’re worried about our little sister, who has found herself with a broken heart. She’s fallen for her friend and currently can’t see a way to continue her journey without him by her side.
But we know that she can. We know she’s stronger than any obstacle that could stand in her way. She’s brave and resilient, and she’s already come so far. She can do this, travel buddy or no travel buddy.
How do we convince her to keep going? We know you’ll have her best interests at heart.
All the best,
Sara & Paige xxx
I feel their eyes linger on me as I reach the end, their breath held in expectation. But I can’t look at them. My heart pinches as I run through the words yet again, feeling each ounce of love that they poured into it. Sara shuffles over and lends me a comforting arm.
‘You aresostrong. You’ve proved that over the last few months. Seriously, Squeak. You’re not the girl that left for this trip three months ago.’
I think about that – think about me and the last few months, and everything I’ve been through since. I’ve met so many new people and tried new things, and learnt to fend for myself and open up to someone the way I never really did with Tom. If I can do all of that, then I can stop and confront the truth that I’ve spent the last few days completely avoiding: that loving Noah unrequitedly is a repeated stab in the chest, but being without Noah completely is too grim to imagine.
‘I’ve got to go to Nice,’ I say.
They look back at me in shock, but I stand firm.
‘Is that a good idea?’ Sara asks cautiously. ‘You should continue the trip, of course, but it doesn’t have to be with Noah. I mean, he seems nice enough, but if he can cause all this...’
She gestures wordlessly at my puffy face, causing Paige to pipe up too.
‘We just don’t want you to be hurt.’
But Noah didn’t hurt me. When I really think about it, I kind of did this to myself. We’ve grown so much together on this trip that we’ve become two branches completely intertwined. I thought that meant one thing, and he thought it meant another, which was bound to happen since we came from separate roots. Eventually, I have to be a big girl and come to terms with the fact that he didn’t do anything wrong. All he did was fall in love with a girl that isn’t me.
‘I don’t want to be hurt either,’ I say. ‘But I can’t just run away when things don’t go the way I want them to. He needs me in Nice.’
‘And what doyouneed, Amorie?’ Paige asks.
I pause. The answer hits me loud and fast before I can stop it.
I need Noah.
I miss his laugh and his smile, and the crinkle by his eye every time he looks my way for too long. I miss the way we opened up together. The way we sat through sunsets and sky views and told each other things that felt too big until those moments where the world felt small. My entire being yearns to be next to him again, in whatever capacity he will have me. We’re notjustfriends. Our friendship’s special. There’s nojustabout it.
‘I need to try,’ I say in a whisper, shaking. ‘He’s too important to me. I need to try to keep him in my life, even if my heart is breaking.’
The girls’ eyes dip as they stare at me, a small quiver shaking Sara’s top lip. Within a matter of seconds they dive towards me, engulfing me in the middle of their hug. Their squeeze grows tighter and I feel tears fall, but this time they’re not mine.
‘I’m so proud of you, Squeak,’ Sara says in between her sobs. ‘You have grown into such a strong, kind, brave woman and if Mum could see you now...’
That’s it, me and Paige start crying too. The three of us weep until the duvet beneath us starts to soak through.
I often wonder what Mum would make of me the older that I get; whether she’d judge or support my actions, which girls she’d like, which guys she wouldn’t... I knew so little of her that I often find myself painting my own picture. I hope she looks down on me and knows that I’m trying to hold her with me even if I’m scraping for things to hold.
Each year I grow closer to the age she was the day she got into her car accident, is another year I thank her for what she left behind for me. I was raised by a loving dad and two of the best sisters a girl could ever ask for. Two sisters who help me keep her memory alive even when I struggle the most.
