I break into a giggle, but he stares back confused and, if I’m not mistaken, somewhat offended. I shut it off, swallowing the rest of my laugh.
‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were serious,’ I say, eyebrow raised. I twist towards him to meet his eyes through the dark and find them already staring my way. They sparkle, even in the low light of our carriage, the intensity making my stomach twist into knots. ‘I just personally think that two months without sex isn’t worth moping about.’
This timehelaughs, the noise echoing its way across the tinny walls of our small train cabin.
‘It’s been far more than two months.’ He drops his eyes.
‘But you said . . . the casual dating . . .’
His eyes flick up to meet mine.
‘A lot of that is justthat... I pick them up, we go out and then we go back to our separate homes. Or we kiss in a club and never see each other again, or we’ll message for a couple of days, then it will die in the DMs.’
He seems defeated as he speaks. I take a closer look at him, watching as he slowly closes in on himself.
‘I’m sorry, I had just assumed...’ I trail off.
‘That I was a manwhore? Yeah, I figured,’ he says jokingly.
A joke is good. A joke means that I haven’t made him spiral so much that he’s lost his ability to find humour in it.
‘The term I’ve been using is “fuckboy”.’ I keep the levity going.
His lips stretch wide across his face, eyes squinting into next to nothing. I match it, tooth for tooth, and feel the warmth between us grow again. My heart flutters, faster and bolder each second. I wonder if he can feel it, given how close he is to me.
He drops his eyes, recoiling as far back as he can in our bed. It’s an inch at best, but incredibly noticeable.
‘Idohave game, don’t get me wrong.’ He’s mumbling, intent on clarifying. ‘I just don’t want to push things too far beforewe’re both ready. If it feels right, I obviously go for it... I’m not exactly a saint. But the point is that it’s been more than a while for me since it’s gotten remotely close.’
I scoff. ‘That’s not entirely true.’
He looks up to meet me with deep, questioning eyes and my heart sinks. He can’t have forgotten.
‘That night in Brussels? The first night that we met? I mean,wegot pretty damn close...’
I know it was only me who felt things, but, even so, he must remember that it actually happened. I haven’t been able to forget no matter how hard I’ve tried, and I’ve tried incredibly so. The thought of that night being so insignificant to him makes my stomach lurch. I roll onto my back, eyes fixed on the ceiling and firmly away from him, but then I hear his voice, warm and teasing.
‘Amorie Grant, did you forget rule number eight?’
My stomach quells instantly as I emit a significantly shaky laugh. ‘Yeah, we can’t talk about it, but that doesn’t mean we forget it happened.’
He chuckles darkly. ‘Oh, trust me.’ The bed rustles as he stretches. ‘That is not something I’ll ever forget.’
Even lying here, on my back in the dark, I can hear the smile in his voice. His words echo through me as my brain starts to sing them. I am not something he’lleverforget.
Could it be possible that, while I’ve been trying to downplay it – convince myself that it’s all been one-sided, he’s been dreaming of it too? He’s been having the same flashbacks? He’s been haunted by the unshakeable memory of my nails sunk into his skin?
There’s something about this dark cabin, this moment between him and me, that feels so full of possibility. There are no obstacles, no pretence, just the two of us laid bare against the hard mattress of this double bed. I can feel his skin, smell hisneck, see each curl of his hair without having to reach too far ahead of myself. Everything is so close and so real, so vulnerable in the dark. The world doesn’t exist right now outside of us and this cabin. I roll back over to my side to find him waiting for me, teeth flashing in the dark, and I feel emboldened in a way I’ve not felt since Brussels.
‘I think we should make an amendment to rule number six,’ I say.
His eyebrow shoots up, interest piqued. He shuffles to get a clearer look at me. ‘Go on,’ he says slowly.
A group of fireworks sets off inside me. I take a big gulp before continuing, eyes dropping to the mattress.
‘I know we said you should only sleep with someone if there were feelings involved and you have been doing so well, but you’re only human. I just think there’s no harm in...’ My mouth goes dry. I swallow once again to try to revive it. ‘You should be allowed one no-strings, casual hook-up. As long as you know that the person you’re hooking up with is on the same page as you.’
I hasten a glance at his face, my stomach clenching at the thought of all that could go wrong. What if I’m reading this wrong? What if he didn’t mean what he said in the way I thought that he meant it? We’ve had such a good run. We can’t ruin this friendship over my unabashed lust for him. I can’tdothis without Noah. I should have kept it inside, instead of letting it float out there, filling the air between us.
