In a daze of sleepwalking after waking up from this nap on this sunny bright afternoon while birds sing and I look like I got hit by a heartbreak too powerful to lie there and do nothing about it — I find myself knocking at his door, because after all, something hits me:
Fuck his wishes, fuck his boundaries, and fuck the birds.
With my heart beating up my throat, my hands sweaty, and the undeniable swell I feel under my eyes, I wait.
Joe opens the door, handsome as always, as he finishes a phone call with a kindhearted, “Come over when you’re ready.”
He hangs up and I take him in, his white button-up shirt unbuttoned enough to reveal the smooth bronze planes of his chest, the fabric straining slightly against his broad shoulders when he moves. His sleeves are rolled up to expose forearms corded with veins as he pushes his golden hair back, highlighting his jawline that is sharp enough to cut glass yet softened by those full lips that mirror Liam’s perfectly. When his gentle blue eyes meet mine, the crinkles at their corners deepen before melting into concern. I’m broken beyond repair.
“Is Liam here?” I ask, trying my best to keep myself looking strong, but really, I’m a minute away from sinking like the Titanic. Slowly but surely.
“Sara, babe, come in…” He exhales, taking my hand and pulling me inside. He walks me over to the couch, but I break down mid-step. I can’t hold it in. The sight of the house, the scent of Liam, Fiasco running over to me, the familiarity of what was once all mine and a future. Gone.
“Fuck, Sara… I’m so sorry. Come here.” He lifts me up in his arms and carries me to the couch and straddles me on his lap. His white shirt now ruined by my tears.
“Shhh… let it out,” he whispers in my neck, and his lavender cologne hits me deeply, soothing me.
“I miss him so much, Joe… so much. He won’t talk to me. Nothing. Where is he?” I mumble into his chest, a slobbering mess.
“He’s going through it, babe… He’s not talking to me either,” Joe says kissing the top of my head.
“Do you know where he is? Do you think he's moved on?” I ask, my voice shaking, my eyes meeting his.
“He’s not here, but yes, I know where he is…” Joe pauses, and I exhale, defeated that he’s not revealing more, and that stabs me considerably. “Sara… do you… do you want to go find him?” He brushes my hair away from my swollen, crying face. “Because there’s no moving on from you. He didn’t. I can attest to that.” His eyes lower, a glint of pain that remains between us.
“I… I… yes, please.” I hold his face to my cheek. Joe laces his strong arms around my waist and pulls me closer to his chest. Inhaling me, as if he’s trying to memorize me for one last time.
Our eyes lock, his eyes flicker between love and grief, the blue deepening when they catch my own as our emotions breathe of too many wonderful and agonizing truths that will always link us together.
He kisses my eyelid, and the other until he waits for me to open my eyes back to him. His hand smooths the trembling of my jaw, thumb pausing in the soft place below my cheekbone before traveling to tuck a stray hair behind my ear and kisses me softly. Just a drop from his lips to mine.
“I love you, Sara… I love you so much I’ll lead you right to him, baby. I know it’s where you belong. He’ll see it for himself, too.” His forehead drops to mine, and he smiles, clearing his throat. “Mimi…she’ll be here soon… it might be weird. It’s hard to explain what will always be between us.” He kisses my forehead, lingering, breathing heavily. “Please tell me what we have will always be there… right?” he asks hesitantly, emotions of loss shining through his eyes that hurt my heart.
I cup his face, nodding, tears streaming down face. “I promise.” And I embrace a deep knowing that he will always be a part of me, and I of him. “I love you, Joe…” I breathe into him, my lips inches from his, “I… will always love you. I’ll always holdthis place for you as my first love. I didn’t expect to fall in love the way I have with Liam. I…”
“Sara… I know, I fucked up. I broke your heart, I broke you to pieces, but the way he loves you. I can’t get in the middle of that, as much as I would always want to be with you.”
“I’m, so sorry…” I whisper choking back a sob, my mouth grazes his lips in a soft, tender,last kiss.
“Maybe in another life, baby?”
I nod, memorizing his beautiful face, and slowly unwrap myself from his warmth.
“Come on, let’s get you ready. You’re not going dressed like this.” He chuckles and takes my hand to Liam’s bedroom.
“Muchas gracias.” I wave and thank my driver who dropped me off in front of a tall, luxurious building, surrounded by the ocean and the sounds, smells, and magnetism of Marbella in Spain.
Joe had me put on a dress Liam had bought for me, a beautiful ivory-beige dress. The fabric whispered against my skin as I slipped it on. The open back dipping dangerously low, the front clinging in all the places Liam’s hands once did.
Joe set up a private plane, gave me all the entry codes to the building and apartment, and in a few hours, I was here, looking up to where Liam was hiding in his Spanish penthouse. Closer to knowing if I'll convince him to take me back.
I step into the luxurious elevator and put in the code for the penthouse, my heart hammering so hard I feel faint. I look at myreflection, my hair falling to my breast, the ivory making my eyes brighter, less sad and intense.
The elevator’s door open and I gasp when it lands me directly into the beautiful apartment. The high ceilings, the white and blue decorations, with a huge black round leather couch in the middle of the room. It has an edge with a luxurious feel. My heels click on the marble floor, and I quietly roam around the room.
“Hello…” I whisper, too quietly, hiding my true intentions to be seen, to be found, to be held and never let go. Despite my terror at confronting him, it’s inevitable.
I walk up the stairs leading to a hallway of bedrooms, and music filters in, pulling me to him. My entire body vibrates and shakes with each step, as I feel his presence in every fiber of my being.
